Cover

Dedication

To anyone with a chronic illness who feels like they are lesser. You deserve that big movie kind of love. Until you are ready to have your own, find it in these pages.

Prologue

Ellis

The door of the dorm clicking behind me should bring relief, but it doesn’t. My muscles revolt at my movements; just a few more steps and I’ll be in my room. I can be alone and suffer through the night until I can force myself to move. With each step my body screams to stop: my bones feel as though they are pushing against my skin, they want out and will do anything to get it. My back feels bruised and raw but there would be nothing to see if I looked in the mirror. All that internal pain and nothing to show for it. When I do make it to my room my feet falter.

“Hey, Sunshine.” My boyfriend is lounging on my bed reading a textbook.

Liam Ruinsky, star offensive player for our university ice hockey team, is shirtless on my bed and I can’t even enjoy it. Just the sight of him relaxing in my space is what pushes me off a cliff. Dropping my bag at my feet I burst into sobs. I’m not a crier. I’m a push-through kind of girl. But it’s too much. I want to cry, to have someone to cry to. And now that’s Liam.

“Whoa! Hey Ellis, what’s wrong? Talk to me.” In a flash he is off my bed pulling my body into his arms. His voice low and caring, I know him well enough to hear the panic there. I wish I could answer him, wish I had the words, but all I have is hiccups and tear-streaked cheeks. Taking my elbows gently in his hands, Liam guides me over to my bed pulling me onto his lap. He doesn’t hold me tightly, too scared. Scared he might hurt me.

It just makes me cry harder. I want him to be able to squeeze me, to hold my broken pieces together, but we both know he can’t. When I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia I thought everything would get better. Delusional, I assumed that when I finally had a diagnosis it would mean I could start treatment and I would be normal. What happened instead was, I’m still in constant pain. Medication can do a lot but it isn’t a magic wand.

Every day I push through pain and fatigue just to try and make my life better. I wanted to make something with my life, but my body is working against me.

I was six when my dad died suddenly of a heart attack. It was a painful and unexpected loss, but I focused on my future as I grew up, he didn’t get a full long life so I want to live mine fully in his honour. I thought I could use my inheritance to get myself ahead somehow. He spent so much time investing and working his way up in the real estate firm to build a solid pot for us to live with. He wanted us to be able to keep up with his peers, as well as getting an education for me. But my mother, Eleanor, had something to say about that. She lost her husband, and because of that, she thought she was entitled to all of his money. That was the first time she told me she wished I was never born. I’ve seen pictures of my parents when they were younger, so in love and happy. But the woman in those pictures at fancy galas is not the one that raised me. I don’t think she every really wanted to be a mum. It was just the thing everyone around her was doing so she felt like she would have been an outsider if she didn’t and she couldn’t stand that. She was a perfect wife and for her, that meant she had to be a mother, too. Even with her lack of maternal instinct, Eleanor was hardened further by my dad’s death, and I was all that was left of him. She planned to make me great, someone who, in her eyes, would be a good wife and marry rich so I wouldn’t need my father’s money.

But I haven’t married rich, and she didn’t get her money. In his will, I was his main beneficiary. I thought about giving it to her, thought that if I did she might let me be free. But it was too big of a risk. Instead, when I turned eighteen, I left her a note telling her why I was leaving and jumped on the first flight from London to Seattle. I wanted to be out of her clutches and using Dad’s money was the only way I could do that. I may have gotten out from under my mum’s thumb, but I’m not free. Now, instead of being ruled by her, my own body rules me instead.

Liam holds me, stroking a gentle hand through my hair in what I think is an attempt to slow my heaving breaths. He murmurs against my hair to follow his breathing.

“Ellis, please. I need you to breathe in for four,” he says, worried. I try my hardest to follow along with his commands. In for four. Hold for four. Out for four. Hold for four.

“I was sat in the back row.” My voice cuts between us, scratchy and strained, but Liam will hear me. He always hears me. “I couldn’t get comfortable in the chair, but that isn’t new. I just didn’t pay any attention. I was so wrapped up in the lecture that I ignored all the signs, my leg kept twitching and my spine was on fire, but I just wanted to push through it, you know?”

“What happened El?” Liam’s fingers keep running through my hair, grounding me.

“When the lecture ended I tried to stand up… my hips locked. I nearly screamed. For a second I forgot about my pain, just for my body to remind me that I don’t get to forget.” Tears fall over my cheeks as I relive it for him. “The moment my hips clicked, pain burst out of me. I must have made some sound because eyes flew to me, rows of people watching me try to walk. I had to walk down all the stairs, but my joints just wouldn’t bend. I had to waddle with everyone watching me. I could feel them looking, they thought it was funny. I could hear them laughing.”

“I’m so sorry El, nobody will remember by next week. It will pass.” His eyes are sympathetic, but his words don’t have their desired effect.

“It won’t pass! Not to me. I am going to be a weirdo forever. You are too scared to even hug me properly because you think it will hurt. None of this is going to pass.”

“Ellis, listen to me.” Liam’s voice is suddenly commanding as he tugs my hair gently to pull me away from his chest so he can meet my eyes. “You are exactly who you are meant to be. Kind, loving and so damn smart. You have been through so much and you show up every day. Even when you should rest. I know athletes that couldn’t take an ounce of what you feel, but you never use it to get special treatment.” He barely breathes as he rants on, “You work hard, study and smile even when you could be curled in a ball on the floor from the pain. Hell, you deal with me upset when I lose a game even though it probably seems silly. I am in awe of you. You have so much good, don’t let some people who have no idea who you really are make you feel like you are not everything. You are everything El.”

By the end of his crusade I’m stunned. My tears dry and I am speechless. If I speak I will utter those three little words. Ones that are too big for Liam and I. When Liam and I started this tryst, I was clear it could never be love. In three weeks’ time, Liam will enter the NHL draft and I won’t follow him.

At the start he was okay with that. I don’t know if it was because he thought we wouldn’t get serious or if he thought I would change my mind. Now, as the draft gets closer I can see the wariness in him. A New York scout has all but told him they are picking him and he’ll be taking their offer. He is moving to the other side of the country and he deserves it. Truly, he is special. He might think I’m everything, but Liam has more potential than most. He is a master on ice and he should share that with the world, even if it’s going to wreck me when he walks away.

“Come with me,” he whispers, as though he knows what I’m thinking. It’s not the first time he has asked, but I always give him the same answer.

“I can’t, you know I can’t.” My words are resigned.

“Ellis, I—” My hands cover his mouth. I can’t hear those words. My heart is already half broken, I can’t have it shatter.

“Please. Don’t say it,” I beg, but Liam’s fingers circle my wrist pulling them away.

“I have to, I love you. I want you with me. You and hockey mean everything to me and I don’t want to let you go.” I can see the battle in his eyes.

“I want to build my life here, I have plans of my own. I can’t throw them away.” It would just prove Eleanor right, I think.

“Ellis, please.” Now it’s his turn to beg, and it slices at my weakened defences to hear him plead for me. For us.

“Your life is going to be amazing Liam, I know it. You will be the best player in the league. Women will want to be with you, men will want to be you. I can’t stand in the way.” The truth in my words hurts me more. Having fibromyalgia means I need more than most. More care, more time, there are things he won’t be able to give me. He will be travelling for games, he will have to train like hell – especially when he first starts. I couldn’t bear to make him feel like he isn’t enough, doing enough.

“You won’t be in the way, you’ll be by my side.”

“Being judged by millions of women who think I’m not good enough,” I say, my voice shaking. “Never able to go about my day because sports reporters will be all over us, whether you win or lose.” If all goes to plan, Liam will be a famous athlete, and everyone in the world will have a say in what woman he deserves. I can’t listen to hundreds of people tell him how much better he could do.

“I will protect you, with everything I have. Don’t make me choose.” I see tears filling his eyes, I press a light kiss to his lips to distract him.

“I don’t want you to choose, Liam, I want you to go to New York. I want you to win the Stanley Cup and celebrate with your team. I want you to get everything you have worked so hard for.”

“I want you, too.” He sighs, knowing I won’t change my mind. Knowing a goodbye is near.

“I know. I wish we had more time,” I admit.

“We could have forever.” His voice is pained and I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep a whimper at bay. Tears burn my eyes but I do what I can to stop them.

“It’s just the wrong time,” I say, with a hopeful tone; convincing myself that if we cross each other’s path again one day, we might be in different places. I might be stronger, more suited to him. He will have found all of his happiness in hockey and might be ready to come back home.

There are so many things that could change, but I hope he stays the same. Kind-hearted and fiercely protective. The man I wish I was ready to love. As much as I want things to change, so much of me wishes I could freeze time in this dorm room. Despite the emotional pain knowing my heart is going to break in a few short weeks, I am happy in his arms. I will hold on to the hope that when the time is right, when we need each other the most, we will find our way back.

I will find my way back.

Chapter One

December, 10 years later

Liam

Drinking in a packed club is not my idea of a good night. Not any more. During my rookie NHL season I drank, partied a lot, and fucked even more. That got old fast. Now I’m thirty, packed bars are hell, but I don’t have a choice. The team demanded my presence, so here I am.

Actually, Cassie, the Seattle Spears PR manager, demanded my presence. Told me if I want a renewed contract when mine is up at the end of next season I have to be an “active part of the team”.

Outside is freezing and wet, a normal Seattle winter. I didn’t miss those when I was in New York because I got to enjoy the snow. I did miss them in Vancouver, that place takes cold to another level. I’m aware of the irony: a hockey player complaining about the cold, but as I’m brutally reminded again, I’m getting older. Inside the bar is at least 90 degrees and packed to the rafters, it feels so much worse when you take up as much room as I do. Each step I take out of the bathroom bumps me into the path of another person, I give up apologising, it’s too loud for them to hear my apologies anyway. Still I try to slither my 6’4 frame through gaps in the crowd to minimise collisions.

After a few more hits, I spot the table with my fellow Spears players surrounded by women. Jay Brink or “Edge”, the team enforcer and my closest friend who traded with me from Vancouver two seasons ago, is sat on the outside of the fray next to the Seattle Spears captain Aiden Anders, who goes by Anders (great nickname, I’m aware), and I can see they are far from interested in the women surrounding them.

“I give it five minutes before she slaps him.” Anders laughs, his southern twang stronger due to the alcohol. I don’t need to follow his eyes to know they are talking about Finn Jonas, the Spears rookie sign. Rook was the number one draft pick this season and he is soaking in the fame like the kid he is. Floppy hair and a butter wouldn’t melt Canadian accent help him seem innocent, but he is a wannabe ladies’ man through and through.

“What d’ya think Ruin? She gonna slap him or kiss him? Fifty bucks if you’re right.” Edge nods in the direction of the bar and I am down to win money from my team. Despite his young age, Rook gets almost any woman he wants with his heartthrob charms. Before I pick my side I swing around to see the woman he has chosen as his prey. Long legs coming from sky-high heels, and a skin-tight red dress hugs her frame. Her body seems to go on for miles, and it’s rare to see a woman so tall enhance that height with shoes that high. Then I see her beautiful face.

A rock sinks in my stomach, the room spins. I haven’t seen that face in ten years and memories flood my mind. The last time I saw her my heart splintered in my chest. Now here she is again. My heart thunders in my chest when Rook steps even closer so she can hear him over the boisterous crowd.

“I’m going to kill him.” I sound hoarse against the sudden dryness as I begin to move across the bar. I can hear the boys shouting after me as I go.

“Rook, get lost.” I pull at Rook’s shoulder. He stumbles before he looks at me as if I’m crazy.

“Oh Ruin, joining the party, eh? I didn’t know you liked to share.” He has the audacity to wink and it elevates my rage. Not that she notices of course. Her eyes are on me, widened with shock.

“Go find the others.” I turn to face him fully so he can read the sincerity in my eyes.

“No need for the dramatics.” He brushes me off with a laugh, stalking away with a false swagger. As I turn away from Rook, there she is.

Ellis Ainsley. My one that got away. Her dirty blonde hair is a lot shorter than it was a decade ago, but I already knew that. Following her on social media is an addiction; at least once a month I check to see how she is. I do it from an anonymous account, of course. Can’t have my ex knowing she still owns me when I shouldn’t be thinking about her at all. I do it to see if she is still as beautiful as I remember, but the camera hasn’t done her justice. Her hair is not the only thing that’s different. The woman before me now is a mother to a beautiful son; a business woman who owns her own florist, Bloom and Blossom, right in the city just like she dreamed. She’s older, too. Not that age hasn’t been kind to her, but I see the maturity in her. The small laugh lines that frame her eyes. Every little change makes her more beautiful than my fantasies remember.

“You’re a caveman, you know that?” Her British accent is still strong as she interrupts my perusal. She hides her surprise of seeing me behind a teasing smile.

“You’re beautiful, you know that right?” I push the conversation back to her. I am acting like a caveman but I want to know about her. How she has been.

“I do. Your friend was just telling me how beautiful I am, too.” She smiles.

“How’ve you been?” I ask. This isn’t the best place for this conversation, the music is loud and we have to lean in close to hear each other, but I revel in her proximity.

“I’m as okay as I can be. You know how it goes.” She takes a sip of her drink before meeting my eyes again. “I’ll never be normal but I’m okay with that.” Silence falls between us. I wish her answer was different, that she could stand here and tell me that she is the strongest she has ever been, that some magical drug has stripped away her pain. It isn’t realistic, but Ellis deserves one day without pain, without having to suffer so much.

“So… You’re a mom?” I lean in to ask her after a moment of charged silence. I know the answer but I want to ask her about her son. Maybe ask about his dad.

“I am. He is the best thing I’ve done. Even if I hardly ever get a night off, he’s worth it.” Her face splits into a breath-taking grin. She has always been beautiful, but in the low light of the bar her smile shines all the way to her eyes. I’m speechless as I look at her glow.

“Fuck Sunshine, how do you still do that?”

“Do what?” She rolls her eyes. It reminds me of all the times she rolled her eyes at me years ago. My heart lurches and my blood heats thinking about what that sassy attitude lead to when we were younger.

“Make the world stop spinning.” I shake my head. How after all these years apart she still manages to break me into pieces is lost on me, but I don’t care. I also don’t care that I can feel the eyes of my teammates on us. In the two years I have been back in Seattle I haven’t dated anyone. I haven’t even flirted and now they see me call dibs like a teenager. It’s because of her. Nothing felt right about trying to date in this city if it wasn’t Ellis.

“How do you still do that?” she asks stepping closer to me so I can hear her over the crowd, we are toe to toe and eye to eye in her heels. Her lips are painted a similar red to her dress and it is taking everything in me to tear my eyes from the way they form her words. Lips I used to know so intimately bring back memories of every time I kissed them, every time they trailed over my body.

“Do what?” My hands fall to her hips and over the noise of the crowd I can hear her breath hitch at my hands encompassing her waist.

“Make me want to kiss you,” she whispers and licks her lips.

The Story Continues on BooksBarbecue!

Enjoyed this preview? ❤️ Do not stop here!

Read the complete book free online → 🔗

Continue reading now on BooksBarbecue and discover every page!

Love reading? Bookmark BooksBarbecue.com for more amazing books!

Happy Reading!