Before I know it my Sunshine is fast asleep in my arms, her soft snores puff against my throat. There is no way I am moving anytime soon; Charlotte is asleep, Jack is having a pre-back-to-school play date and Ellis Ainsley has finally found enough peace to nap.

I only wish I had the forethought to pee because damn, my bladder is screaming louder than Charlotte does.

Chapter Thirty-Four

Ellis

High pitched wailing wakes me, just like it has every few hours in the nights recently. My precious daughter has lungs bigger than any other baby ever: I’m thinking about contacting Guinness World Records. I think the rest of the mums of the world should give me my props for the beautifully shrill sound she makes.

Jack loves his sister, adores her. He has asked Liam to buy him earplugs for sleep. Today starts with more than just crying though, today starts with pain. To be fair, every morning after her birth was painful because, you know, birthing is painful and recovering is just as bad.

I have been anticipating this flare-up for days, I think we all have. Lack of sleep is cripplingly me in more ways than one, and being uncomfortable in every position, standing, sitting, laying down… nothing works. The worst part is: there is nothing I could have done to stop it.

Two days ago, my wrists were swollen. My grip was terrible and it was my first telltale sign that something was coming. The only saving grace is that I’ve been back on my meds since giving birth. While at the hospital, a nurse on the maternity ward was laying on the pressure to breastfeed very thick – but Liam put a stop to that. My body had sacrificed so much already during the last nine months – my ability to breathe properly, be intimate when I wished, take my medication, regulate my emotions, see my toes over my belly… Liam also thought it was time I had control over my body back.

He told her straight that I had given up my comfort without a single complaint and now I needed to do this for me. I think it’s the most I’ve ever loved him. He looked hot as hell holding our baby while advocating for me.

The last time I had a new born, my mental health was so down in the gutter that there was no way I could have battled through my fibromyalgia to breastfeed while I was already trying to grip onto my sanity. Jack turned out amazing, and I am sure Charlotte will too. I reminded myself that fed is best, no matter how they get there.