As I lay back in bed staring at the ceiling again, I think of the ways I could benefit from taking time away from work. I could use it to find more holistic therapies to ease my pain. I could find time for massages or acupuncture. Stepping back could also benefit mine and Liam’s relationship. We could have more time together before the baby is born – to get to grips with what co-parenting will look like. The thought raises goose bumps over my skin.

When Liam and I are alone I feel like the tension could be sliced with a knife. I see us that night, after the bar – all over each other, hot and heavy. The images make my breath quicken. I try to ground myself, placing a hand over my slowly swelling belly. There’s no relationship for Liam and I. No matter how much my hormones try to sway me.

It’s times like this, when I’m lost in my own thoughts and worries, that I wish I had a mum. A normal mum, one who wants to be there to meet her grandkids and hold my hand through this. Liam’s mum, Tracy, has called me a few times to check in. I was nervous at first – talking to my ex’s mother on the phone, while pregnant with her grandchild. But the conversations only cemented what I already thought about her; she is a lovely, supportive woman. It’s no wonder Liam has turned out to be so similar.

I only wish Eleanor could show some love the same way. I wish she could have prioritised me and our relationship over finances and luxuries. I often think about giving her a call, but last time I did it went straight to voicemail, one than was never returned. Foolishly, I have this image of her coming back into my life. Being there for me the way a mum should.

With my final dose of painkillers starting to kick in, I burrow down into my blankets. March will be a new month – hopefully one filled with new opportunities, I tell myself. Another month into my pregnancy.

Another step closer to an unpredictable future.

Chapter Eleven

March

Liam