Drew shakes his head. “So you’re suggesting that the only reason I’d be with Hannah is that I want to use her to feel better about my own piece-of-shit self? Because there would be no other reason to want to be with her, is that it?”

“You are misinterpreting my analysis—”

“I don’t think I am. Not in this case. I think you got an A in AP Psych and you think you know everything. You’re the smartest person on this train, and I’m a lowly dealer. I get it, I do: I don’t deserve her. Maybe if I were like Ben, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. But you’re not accounting for the fact that someone might want Hannah for other reasons. Because she’s beautiful and she sees the world in a way no one else does. She walks her own path, even when it’s confusing and hard. She actually takes the time to get to know the kind of people the rest of the world writes off. No. All those things are irrelevant in your calculus.”

“Don’t tell me about my sister. You’ve known her for two seconds. You’re not the expert on her.”

Drew’s eyes flash. “And you are? You live with her. You supposedly know her better than anyone, right? But here’s what I don’t get, Mae: If you’re the expert, then how the hell did she get on the pill train to start? Because when I met her, she’d been on that ride for a while.”

The T jolts to a stop. I can hardly breathe. My coat, sealing me in, a straitjacket. I feel like Mom, this enclosed space taking out all the air. All those elevators she hated getting into. I understand now, why she wanted to take the stairs.

I hate him. I hate him so much. I hate him more than climate change deniers.

“Except for when she was sober this summer, your sister’s been swallowing pills for a year and a half,” he says. “I’ve only known her since October. So how is this all my fault? Where have you been? Where have any of you fucking been? I’m the only person in this whole city who sees her. Who can’t stop looking.”

His words hit me with the force of the wave. He’s right. I didn’t do anything until it was too late, and even then it was Mom and Dad who figured out what her problem was. This is my fault. My parents drowned, and there was nothing I could do about it. My sister has been drowning for months, and I’ve been standing on the shore so close—but instead of looking out for her in that water, jumping in and pulling her out, I’ve had my eyes on the stars.

Selfish. I’ve been so selfish.