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Back Little Universes Save as PDF
Chapters (63)
  1. Title Page
  2. Copyright Notice
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. Part 1
  6. Mae
  7. Hannah
  8. 1
  9. 2
  10. 3
  11. 4
  12. 5
  13. 6
  14. 7
  15. 8
  16. 9
  17. 10
  18. 11
  19. 12
  20. 13
  21. 14
  22. 15
  23. 16
  24. 17
  25. 18
  26. 19
  27. 20
  28. 21
  29. 22
  30. 23
  31. 24
  32. Part 2
  33. 25
  34. 26
  35. 27
  36. 28
  37. 29
  38. 30
  39. 31
  40. 32
  41. 33
  42. 34
  43. 35
  44. 36
  45. 37
  46. 38
  47. Part 3
  48. 39
  49. 40
  50. 41
  51. 42
  52. 43
  53. 44
  54. 45
  55. 46
  56. 47
  57. 48
  58. Epilogue
  59. Mental Health Resources
  60. Acknowledgments
  61. DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
  62. About the Author
  63. Newsletter Sign-up

“Don’t say it.” I pull away from him. “There’s everything to be afraid of! Outer space, for one. Like, the entire cosmos all around us. And if I start thinking about it all, about Dad, and not telling Mae about him, and Becca Chen being pregnant, and did Mom know, did she know about Dad, and then you and Micah … and Mae going to school, and never seeing Mom again, and maybe she’s stopped visiting me because I’m such a fuckup, and the … the b-baby … and the ocean—”

“Okay, okay.” Drew draws me close. “You’re right. There’s a fucking lot to be afraid of.”

“I just want it all to go away. For a little bit. I just need a break. It’s been so hard, Drew. I’m so tired.”

“I want to help.” His lips move against my hair, hot breath running along my scalp. “Hannah, let me help.”

“There’s nothing you can do.” I look up at him. “I think it will always be this way. I don’t think I’ll ever be happy again. Maybe I never was.”

Drew watches me for a moment, and I pull away, thinking I must be crushing him, because his face suddenly pinches with pain.

“We’re going to change that,” he says. Then he reaches into his pocket and holds up two pills. “This is all I’ve got left.” He hesitates. “It’s … stronger than what you’re used to these days.”

“Oxy?”

He nods. “And, Hannah, if we—you have to promise me, this is it. We do this together, and then that’s it. And we find another way to make it better. Okay?”

I nod. Just one more time. I can do that.

“Promise me,” he says.

“I promise.”

I take one of the pills. “You’ve never gotten high with me before.”

“I want to be where you are.” Drew slides the pill between his lips.

It’s not too long before we are floating on a beautiful cotton-candy cloud. A forgetting cloud. I am lighter than the cloud. Lighter than the moonbeams that pass through it.

I am the moonbeams.

I am No More and Nothing and Everything and Good.

Everything is perfect.

Everything.

No More.

Nothing.

Everything.

Good.

I am getting to go to space before Mae.

I pull my eyes open and look over at Drew. He’s beside me on the cloud, his eyes half-closed, one hand curled around my ankle.

“I want to do right by the miracle, too,” I say.

Or maybe I just think it.

“You are the miracle,” he breathes.

Or maybe I just imagine it.

23

Mae

ISS Location: Low-Earth Orbit

Earth Date: 31 October

Earth Time (EST): 13:07

You don’t need dark magic to bring the dead back to life: You just need a freshly carved pumpkin.