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Back Little Universes Save as PDF
Chapters (63)
  1. Title Page
  2. Copyright Notice
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. Part 1
  6. Mae
  7. Hannah
  8. 1
  9. 2
  10. 3
  11. 4
  12. 5
  13. 6
  14. 7
  15. 8
  16. 9
  17. 10
  18. 11
  19. 12
  20. 13
  21. 14
  22. 15
  23. 16
  24. 17
  25. 18
  26. 19
  27. 20
  28. 21
  29. 22
  30. 23
  31. 24
  32. Part 2
  33. 25
  34. 26
  35. 27
  36. 28
  37. 29
  38. 30
  39. 31
  40. 32
  41. 33
  42. 34
  43. 35
  44. 36
  45. 37
  46. 38
  47. Part 3
  48. 39
  49. 40
  50. 41
  51. 42
  52. 43
  53. 44
  54. 45
  55. 46
  56. 47
  57. 48
  58. Epilogue
  59. Mental Health Resources
  60. Acknowledgments
  61. DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
  62. About the Author
  63. Newsletter Sign-up

“I was ambushed.” I sigh. “I don’t know what to say, Ben. You and River want me to give up on my sister, and I can’t. I won’t. It’s way too early to back off. I’ve got my whole life ahead of me—hopefully. But she might not.” I rest my cheek against his for a moment, breathe in his coffee-and-wind scent, which is really the most wonderful thing, then step away. “And, honestly, you saying these things—about how I’m not being fair to myself, not making healthy choices—it’s not helping. I know you mean well. And please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’ve only known you for two months. You don’t know what’s best for me. But I do.”

He swallows, nods. “All very astute observations. I’m sorry for pushing. I just … It breaks my heart, not thinking of you in your uniform, or up in those fighter jets.”

“It breaks mine, too.”

Saying that out loud makes me feel more naked than that night he climbed through my window.

Ben pulls me close again, hugs me hard. I can feel all the things he wants to say but won’t. I’ve never had someone be disappointed in me. I hate what it does to me on a cellular level.

My phone rings. Aunt Nora.

“Mae?” Her voice is a code red, high and shrill. “Hannah’s not in her room. Is she with you?”

Sound waves, traveling. Grandma calling: Honey? Something’s happened.

I stare at Ben, the phone falling from my hand. I see Hannah in my mind, asking me to name a star after her. Talking about the Little Prince.

Ben’s picking up my phone, talking to me, his brown eyes—my mother’s eyes—searching mine.

“Mae? What’s wrong? Who was that?”

“I think my sister’s going to hurt herself.”

I want to die.

Courtyard Table

Copley Library

Boston

34

Hannah

I decide to watch.

For once, just once, I want to see someone read my words.

I want to see what their face does.

If they care.

If they feel the same way, too.

I don’t think I’m the only person who thinks these thoughts that I write down. These acorns, I think maybe they’re inside all of us.

But maybe I am the only person.

I need to know.

If the words matter.

If any of it does.

If I do.

I’m at Copley Library, the beautiful one that Drew brought me to all those weeks ago, on what a part of me thinks of as our first date: the day we ditched school.