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Back Little Universes Save as PDF
Chapters (63)
  1. Title Page
  2. Copyright Notice
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. Part 1
  6. Mae
  7. Hannah
  8. 1
  9. 2
  10. 3
  11. 4
  12. 5
  13. 6
  14. 7
  15. 8
  16. 9
  17. 10
  18. 11
  19. 12
  20. 13
  21. 14
  22. 15
  23. 16
  24. 17
  25. 18
  26. 19
  27. 20
  28. 21
  29. 22
  30. 23
  31. 24
  32. Part 2
  33. 25
  34. 26
  35. 27
  36. 28
  37. 29
  38. 30
  39. 31
  40. 32
  41. 33
  42. 34
  43. 35
  44. 36
  45. 37
  46. 38
  47. Part 3
  48. 39
  49. 40
  50. 41
  51. 42
  52. 43
  53. 44
  54. 45
  55. 46
  56. 47
  57. 48
  58. Epilogue
  59. Mental Health Resources
  60. Acknowledgments
  61. DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
  62. About the Author
  63. Newsletter Sign-up

My sister stands above me—in every way—looking down, her arms crossed, and I am so sick of her up there, always up there, being perfect. The heir and the spare.

“I don’t want your help. I don’t need your help. That doesn’t sound selfish to me. I’m fine on my own. I’m sorry I’m not some scientific problem you can solve, Mae. You don’t get a goddamn gold star for this one.”

“Hannah, honey, please stop—” Aunt Nora starts toward me, but Nate shakes his head.

“She’s fucking high, Mom. You can’t reason with her.”

“You want to go to space, Mae? I’ve already been there,” I shout. “Zero gravity, Lucy in the sky with diamonds. Your fucking Starman is up there, too. Everything you study for, all the answers you’re looking for: I already know them. I don’t need advanced physics and Annapolis to feel weightless. To know the universe doesn’t give a shit about me or you or anyone on this fucking rock. The universe does not have our back.” I head toward the kitchen, toward water and the car in the garage Aunt Nora’s about to force me inside. “As far as I’m concerned, the sooner you’re in outer space, the better. Maybe you can do the Mars mission. Doesn’t it take, like, four years just to get there?”

Her eyes fill—Dad called them tropical eyes. Blue, like the bluest ocean—and I hate her, I hate her.

This entire family, drowning in salt water.

29

Mae

ISS Location: Low-Earth Orbit

Earth Date: 25 November

Earth Time (EST): 19:08

Not all the soup in the world can fix this.

While they’re at the hospital having Hannah drug tested and talking to doctors about how to make her better, Nate and I try to make minestrone, but once everything’s cut up we realize we’re out of stewed tomatoes. We give up on the soup.

“Ever heard of the comic Lenny Bruce?” Nate says.

“Comedy is not of great interest to me.”

“Okay, well, anyway, he was super famous. And a heroin addict. I was reading up on opiates after you told me about Hannah and I keep thinking about this thing Lenny said, how he was certain heroin was going to kill him—but shooting up was like kissing God.” Nate shakes his head. “How can we compete with that?”

What could I give my sister that could possibly be as good as kissing God?

“Hannah would love to kiss God. I think maybe that’s all she’s ever wanted.”

I picture her, that night we put on Mom’s lotion, pressing a hand to her heart and talking about the Something Else in her. God doesn’t exist, obviously, but no one can deny the power of that idea. It’s held most Homo sapiens in thrall since almost the beginning of human civilization.