“You might be bored as fuck. Sit with that. You might be scared at what you see in yourself, what you feel. Sit with that. You MIT nerds among us might figure out the cure for cancer. Sit with that—and don’t write anything down until we’re done sitting.” More laughter. “Why do we do this? It’s Friday night. We could be at a party, could be binge-watching something stupid, could be kicking our roommates out of our rooms so we can study anatomy…” Ben laughs softly, and I do not like what that does to certain regions of me that shall go unnamed for reasons of discretion.

“We do this,” River says, “so we can wake up from the trance. You know what I mean, right? The trance of thinking that this”—she waves a finger around the room—“is for keeps. It’s not. It’s just a ride. Amanda Palmer said that. And it’s true. It’s just a ride. And we are missing it because we are too lost in all the shit we want to have or do or be. We miss it because we’re too busy updating our social media status and reading another article online and watching another video. And this ride? You only get one ticket—one go. Unless you have really fucking fantastic karma, if you believe in that. Most people, they get on this ride and instead of buckling in and doing this thing, they check out. Buy shit they don’t need. Live on their phone. Not us. Here, we sit so we can rock the shit out of this roller coaster.”

For just a second, the room dissolves. Explodes, maybe.

This, I think, is what Ben would call a Dharma Bomb. A truth bomb. I have been living my entire life in the future. The present has always been a means to an end. But what if my end is a wave, too? I’ve been living for a life that might never happen. What did I miss with my parents that I can’t ever get back?

“All right.” She smiles. “Let’s ride.”

We close our eyes. She rings the bell.

Almost immediately, I want to bolt.

My back hurts. Am I breathing right? Can Ben hear me breathing? Why does Bowie say “ground control to Major Tom” and not “mission control”? Maybe it’s like how in England they say jumper instead of sweater. So in England it’s called ground control. But they’re not controlling the ground, that’s bonkers, they’re trying to control a spaceship in the sky, and they’re obviously not doing a good job of it, because Major Tom is not going to be making it home. Are there even English astronauts? I think there are. Chris Hadfield’s Canadian, and that’s part of the Commonwealth, so I guess technically England is represented, but maybe there are actually British—