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Back Little Universes
Chapters (63)
  1. Title Page
  2. Copyright Notice
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. Part 1
  6. Mae
  7. Hannah
  8. 1
  9. 2
  10. 3
  11. 4
  12. 5
  13. 6
  14. 7
  15. 8
  16. 9
  17. 10
  18. 11
  19. 12
  20. 13
  21. 14
  22. 15
  23. 16
  24. 17
  25. 18
  26. 19
  27. 20
  28. 21
  29. 22
  30. 23
  31. 24
  32. Part 2
  33. 25
  34. 26
  35. 27
  36. 28
  37. 29
  38. 30
  39. 31
  40. 32
  41. 33
  42. 34
  43. 35
  44. 36
  45. 37
  46. 38
  47. Part 3
  48. 39
  49. 40
  50. 41
  51. 42
  52. 43
  53. 44
  54. 45
  55. 46
  56. 47
  57. 48
  58. Epilogue
  59. Mental Health Resources
  60. Acknowledgments
  61. DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
  62. About the Author
  63. Newsletter Sign-up

“You’re going to have thoughts,” River says, soft and gentle. “But don’t hold on to them. Let them be like clouds passing across the sky of your mind: Don’t cling to them, let them go. Focus on your breath. When a new thought comes, let that cloud go. Tibetans call this ‘sky mind.’ Thoughts, feelings, images, urges, sensations in the body—all of it is just weather.”

Okay. Breathe. Breathe.

I can’t hear Ben breathing. Is he alive? Of course he’s alive. But maybe I should open my eyes and look at him, to check, but then River will see me do it.

Sky mind. Sky mind. Weather.

“Just breathe,” River murmurs.

My back hurts. I can’t believe Dad did this every day. He never said his back—weather. Sky mind. Cloud. Cloud. Hannah breaks the ISS and Mom brushes back my hair, whispers, ‘We are responsible for the things we tame,’ and Dad says, ‘Would you look at the Milky Way tonight!’ I miss him. I MISS HIM. I MISS HER. I MISS. I MISS.

Oxygen levels low. Very low. Breath is fast and ragged, can everyone hear me? Is the whole room sounding like my breath and they’re all looking at me? No. Paranoia is setting in. Breathe. Sky mind, sky—I MISS I MISS I missed so much of the ride with them, and now they’re gone—am I going to faint? Or cry? Not here. NOT HERE.

This is a tailspin, that’s what this is, and see, this is what happens when you lose control, when you let your subconscious take over. A bad idea, a HORRIBLE idea, what sick game is Ben playing? Sky mind. Ground control. Ground control. Grip my knees—yes. A coping mechanism is key in life-threatening situations. Hold whatever is building in me at bay. Work the problem. Calm under pressure. An astronaut stays calm under pressure. When is she going to ring the FUCKING BELL because I can’t breathe. Calm. Calm. NO.

My eyes snap open.

The room is dark and quiet, a cocoon. Not a jet plummeting from the sky. Everyone’s eyes are closed. River’s, too. Ben’s. A sigh falls out of me. He is so beautiful. Dark crescent moon lashes. Would it be weird if I just laid my head in his lap for the rest of the meditation? Would he be okay with that?

“You don’t have to do anything,” River says into the dim room. “All you have to do is take this breath. All you have to think about is this breath. That’s it.”

I close my eyes. I take this breath.

Then the next one.

Then the next one.