He frowns. ‘He hasn’t said anything to me.’

‘Fair enough. Silly idea.’ I know Ant and Joel must meet up regularly. ‘Does he . . . does he ever mention me?’

Ant looks surprised. ‘You told me you didn’t want to talk about him.’

‘I don’t. Not really. But being up there, seeing the beach and the Lawns . . . it brought back memories.’

‘Well, he doesn’t really talk about those days either, and the few times he has, I’ve steered him away. I thought you’d probably prefer that? But he’s doing well. The TV stuff has taken off and he picks projects that don’t take him away from home too often, for Leo’s sake.’

‘Leo?’

Ant stares at me. ‘His son.’

‘Oh.’ He always said he didn’t want kids. It’s why he abandoned that girl when she got pregnant. Why we split up. Sadness engulfs me and I have to work hard not to show it. ‘How lovely. Is Leo’s mum in TV too?’

‘Joel’s raising him alone. He has nothing to do with his mum, she was a bit of a mess. But Leo turned eight at Christmas and he doesn’t miss out at all, he’s a great kid . . .’

Eight years old at Christmas . . . For a split second, I am back in a dingy pub, crushed by disappointment that Joel was not the man I thought he was.

Leo must be the child he wanted to forget about. Realizing Joel did the right thing in the end should be a relief, and yet it stings horribly.

No. It burns.

‘Is he happy?’

Ant smiles. ‘Yeah! Loves being a dad. The kid has a few issues because his mum was taking drugs. But he’s done very well.’ He shakes his head. ‘I’m amazed you didn’t know. Your mum’s nose for gossip must have failed her.’

‘She probably knew. But she also knows I don’t like talking about the past.’

‘Ah.’ He points at the wedge of walnut cake still on my plate. ‘Ellie’s going to have the hump if you don’t finish that.’

‘It’s lovely but . . .’ But my throat is dry. ‘The flying, you know. My tummy’s still full of butterflies.’

He transfers it onto his own plate and pats his belly, which is round, almost middle-aged. ‘Maintaining this takes dedication, but customers never trust a thin cafe owner, right?’ He takes a bite. ‘What about you, Kerry? Are you happy?’

‘Medicine is great. Everything I hoped for.’

‘That’s not what I asked.’

I summon up a smile, even though the news about Joel has made me want to hit the bottle. ‘I’m getting there.’

‘OK. Well, I have a failsafe plan to speed things up. Let me get you a bag of Ellie’s salted caramel brownies to take away; they never fail to induce happiness.’

Chapter 54: Joel

25 March 2013