I move her hand away from the box, down past my belly. She touches me. Will being this hard put pressure on my heart?

Fuck it. I reach over to the drawer where I keep condoms.

‘You’re so beautiful, Kerry. I won’t hurt you. I promise.’

She smiles back. ‘And I promise I won’t hurt you either.’

Chapter 14: Kerry

One second I’m a virgin and the next I’m not, and the sharpness lasts for the briefest time, like when you pull off a plaster before revealing new skin underneath.

I gasp.

‘Are you all right? Did I hurt you?’

Now my body feels unfamiliar. He is me and I am him and this is right.

‘You didn’t hurt me.’

‘Should I stop?’

I murmur a no because I definitely don’t want that. Joel starts to move faster, finding his rhythm, and I move against him, finding mine. In his neck, a blood vessel pulses and I think, Without me that wouldn’t have happened ever again. None of this would.

His body feels strange next to mine but also familiar. The muscles of his back are smooth under my hands but I don’t grip too hard. I don’t want to hurt him or put pressure on the implant. He shimmers in the light of the wood burner and I know this is how I will remember him when I am old and this is a distant memory. This glorious glow, rather than the grey pallor underneath my outstretched palms on Hove Lawns.

A night breeze rattles the window. The feeling that’s building up between me and him begins to grow, like another pulse circulating between us, the look of concentration on his face deepens and

I know what this is, what it’s called.

But I hadn’t expected . . .

Hadn’t realized . . .

Hadn’t guessed . . .

it

would

feel

this

incredible . . .

‘Kerry!’

His voice seems to come from somewhere a long way off. I open my eyes. I am no longer Kerry, just sensation. The noise I make doesn’t sound like me.

Joel’s eyes flicker and for a moment I remember how he looked when he wasn’t breathing.

‘Joel?’

His eyes snap open but I don’t think he’s seeing me, then he comes and all the tension goes and he kisses me and I think:

I love you, Joel Greenaway.

Instantly the thought changes to I am an idiot. That wasn’t love.

He reaches down to move a strand of damp hair away from my eyes, kisses my forehead. ‘You are not the girl I thought you were, Kerry Smith.’ He’s still slightly out of breath.

‘No. I’m not the girl I thought I was either.’