The reaction is immediate, visceral. My heart races, my stomach drops. I want to cry out: stay, Joel. But I told him after the triathlon that he didn’t love me, that I could never love him again. He’s made plans because of that, I should be pleased for him.

He leans in to hug me.

Don’t go. I can’t bear it if you go.

I drink in his smell, and his warm hands on my back, and it feels as though we’re shipwrecked and clinging to each other to stay afloat.

When he disentangles himself, he’s clearly expecting me to come out with a festive platitude. Good luck. Goodbye. Merry Christmas and a Happy 2005! Have a good life.

Instead, I pull his face towards mine and I kiss him, and I know I can’t let him go.

Chapter 35: Tim

23 December 2004

I’ve never seen a patient who looks so scared.

‘This is Zoë, aged twenty-five. She arrived in A & E shortly after midnight last night, with abdominal pain, query premature labour. No antenatal care recorded but obviously they sent her up to us. How are you feeling now, Zoë?’

The consultant directs his full-beam benevolent smile at the woman, who stares back, pupils dilated, afraid. Zoë’s body is so slim she could be a child herself, except for the taut, distended belly that fixates us all. Her cheeks appear flushed but when I look more closely, I realize they are lesions, livid and sore against her otherwise pale face.

‘I’m not in so much pain now, thank you.’ Her voice is a surprise: calm and unaccented. Her hands – one cannulated – lie on her lap.

‘Let’s keep it that way. We believe that Zoë is in her thirty-sixth week of pregnancy, although her . . . lifestyle means we can’t completely rely on the size of the neonate to estimate gestation. Any thoughts on the treatment plan?’

Lifestyle? I am trying to interpret this when Laura raises her hand. The consultant nods at her, and she answers, ‘Corticosteroid injections. Attempt tocolysis to see if we can avoid premature delivery, but ensure medication isn’t contra-indicated in the case of a substance-abusing patient?’

The young woman looks at the floor. Substance-abusing. It’s so obvious. The wasted appearance, the lesions, the lack of antenatal care.

The consultant nods. ‘So far the tocolysis appears to be working and we have a second corticosteroid due at around two p.m. Foetal heartbeat is normal but being monitored. We will review again tomorrow morning. You try your best to stay nice and relaxed there, Zoë, OK? With luck, we can keep your baby safe and sound well into 2005.’