‘There were fireworks going off,’ Kerry says, ‘though we hardly noticed them.’

‘I hear you were also at this young man’s bedside when he opened his eyes?’

Kerry nods.

‘Would you like to tell us about that, Joel?’

Joel frowns. ‘I’d no idea where I was or what had happened. It was horrible.’

After another slight pause, the woman leans forward again. ‘And you’ve had a pacemaker fitted to make sure your heart won’t play up again?’

I have to correct her. ‘Actually, it’s a defibrillator—’

The presenter’s eyes are stony as she ignores me. ‘And, Joel, are you back on the pitch yet?’

Silence.

‘Joel?’ Kerry says softly.

‘I’m getting my fitness back. I’ll be playing again by spring.’

If he believes that, he’s even dimmer than I thought.

‘Now,’ says the man, ‘this is our Valentine’s Day special, and our viewers will be wondering if this heart-warming Millennium Miracle has a happy ending. A little bird told me that what happened on New Year’s Eve might just have been Kerry’s very first kiss . . .?’

No. Oh no.

‘You’re a very bad man, Alastair, to ask a girl a question like that.’ The woman slaps his knee. ‘But I will ask a more delicate version. Is there any romance in the air? After all, this is the girl who helped to save your life.’

What are they playing at?

Joel sighs. ‘I’ve got football, I’m too busy for a girlfriend.’

A disembodied hand passes the biggest bouquet of roses I have ever seen to the male presenter. ‘Ah well, football comes first. But we did think you might like to thank Kerry with these?’ He hands them to Joel, who looks as though someone has just put a baby alligator in his arms.

He almost throws them at Kerry. ‘Thanks for doing what you did.’

The woman presenter claps her hands in delight. ‘Now, how about a little peck on the cheek? I think it’s the least this girl deserves.’

If he kisses her now, I don’t know if I will be able to stop myself knocking him out . . .

Kerry shakes her head. ‘The flowers are enough, thanks.’

She doesn’t want Joel to kiss her. I grin at her over the top of the bouquet. The lights are already making the petals curl up at the edges, but the scent is intense.

Maybe it’s a sign that Kerry does feel the same way about me.

That all is not lost.

Chapter 11: Joel

The show is the most humiliating experience of my life, aside from pissing myself on the Lawns when I died.

Three million people watched me make a tit of myself on TV today.