Enough! I’ve been waiting for this moment. My chance to get my vengeance for what you did to me, to the Brotherhood, to the ancient KEFVGAAIR tournament, and to our entire global criminal enterprise. I’ve been planning, plotting, scheming, then planning some more. And now, after all these years—

Yeah, yeah, we get it! I know what you’re gonna say, all right, man? You kidnapped Nigel the Editor, and now you’re using him as bait to lure me into combat so you can kill me and finally get your revenge blah blah blah.

Damn, was it really that obvious?

I mean, as soon as Nigel the Editor told me he was going on vacation to Hong Kong, I thought, “Shit, that stupid Brotherhood and Carl the Hunchback are gonna kidnap his ass and try to force me into some badass final showdown.”

We told him he won an all-expenses-paid first-class trip! He fell for it completely!

I’ll think about it.

What?

I said I’ll think about it, all right? I’ve still got a ton of work to do on this book! Which is awesome and not stupid, BTW. I got all these deadlines coming up, and this new editor the publisher gave me—his name is Milton—is a real fucking ballbuster. And look, it’s not like Nigel and I parted on the best terms, you know? All that shit he gave me about selling my merch and what I’m actually a doctor of and not writing a whole chapter that consisted only of the world’s longest yayayayayayayayyayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayaya—

For the love of God, stop!

But, you know, I guess I’ll consider rescuing him?

But—but my revenge!

Like, maybe after I finish rocking out on this next chapter?

But—but he eats so much food!

Okayyyy… deleting AIM now, like I shoulda done ten years ago…

And he’s so fucking annoying!

Later, Carl the Hunchback. I mean, maybe, maybe not—who knows?

I. In this dimension, I’m the one who speaks Chinese, and Razor Frank is the one who can’t understand a word I’m saying. Boom! How’s that for a twist?

II. In two or three dimensions, Ericsson’s mobile division was eventually bought out by Sony, and that’s obviously not… Wait a second. What am I doing? Did you seriously buy this book for its scholarship? Get the fuck outta here.

CHAPTER 13 HOLLYWOOD DOMINATION—AND DOC’S DISILLUSIONMENT

LOOK, MAN. YOU KNOW ME. Hopefully not too well, because that would be creepy.