I. I think he actually spoke English in this dimension, but I was so busy being rich I never really listened to what he said.

II. Like I said, hopefully this ain’t your dimension. But yeah—you’re probably fucked.

CHAPTER 10 THE ATHLETICISM—WOW!

Everyone knows I’m the most dominant, most transcendent gamer in the history of the universe. Everyone knows that my silky yet invincible mullet is a thousand subtle shades of stunning black-on-black-on-black. Everyone knows that Slick Daddy is not just the Ethiopian Poisonous Caterpillar but is also my best friend—and your worst nightmare.

But what everyone doesn’t know is that I’m six foot eight, with a powerful, dynamic, muscular, athletic god-body, and I have a thirty-seven-inch vertical leap.

All right, you got me—everyone does know that. And they know it because I say it pretty much all the time.

Now, I know what you’re thinking.

You’re thinking, “Doc, you’re the greatest gamer ever, but still—you’re a gamer. You play video games for a living. Why do you care how tall you are? Why does it matter how high you jump? Why is it important that you’re a perfect specimen of quasi-bionic, possibly superhuman athleticism?”

First off, it matters because it’s true—I really truly am all those things.

I mean, maybe you want to live in some shitty dystopia of absolute relativism where objective facts like height and one-rep-max squat and vertical leap don’t really matter. But not me, man.

Second, it’s the experience.

I know in your simple, narrow mind gaming is a thing I do. Just some activity where I lean back in my advanced prototype Herman Miller KX-5000 office chair, stare at my experimental 7K seventy-inch Sony plasma-screen, and push buttons all day.

And yeah, that’s pretty much what it is.

But no, I was fucking with you—that’s not at all what it is.

Championship gaming is a mindset, bro. It’s a mentality. It’s a way of life.

It’s about knowing, in the marrow of your bones, in the chambers of your heart and the fiery depths of your soul, that you—and only you—are the most dominant, most destructive, most unstoppable force known to man.

I have become danger. I have become death. I have become the terror of the shadows that haunts you in your nightmares and hides under your bed waiting to jump-scare you screaming, “BAAAHAHAHAGRRRAHH!” when you least expect it.

When I kill you in a game—and I will—I’m not just beating you. I’m not just scoring points or winning bragging rights or adding another trophy to the mountain of trophies I already have. I’m demoralizing you. I’m destroying your social confidence. I’m taking your very essence and offering your pixelated blood to the Blood God. I am taking everything you are and everything you had hoped to be.