But there’s simply no question that Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! is the most awesome video game ever created. Period. We’re talking fluid, intuitive, lightning-quick gameplay. We’re talking graphics that are still fun and entertaining even by today’s standards. We’re talking top-notch iconic characters like Von Kaiser and Don Flamenco and Great Tiger and Soda Popinski, and the kind of hilarious unironic ethnic stereotypes you could only get away with in the late eighties. We’re talking the poignant hard-knocks story of Little Mac and Doc Louis set to an electronic rendition of the song “Look Sharp/Be Sharp March” that still gives me a lump in my manly throat to this day. And most of all, we’re talking the one, the only, Mike Tyson, the greatest heavyweight champion of all time, an almost impossible-to-beat boss—except for me—and a dude who in real life bit off Evander Holyfield’s motherfucking ear on pay-per-view TV.

Did you hear that?

HE BIT OFF A MAN’S EAR IN REAL LIFE ON PAY-PER-VIEW.

Soda Popinski. Little Mac. Mike Tyson. Bitten-off prizefighter ears.

This is a game that is the purest incarnation of VIOLENCE… of SPEED…

Of—

FUCK.

Holy shit, can you believe this? I haven’t heard from Nigel the Editor in days—TBH, don’t miss the guy at all—but now he’s pinging me on AOL Instant Messenger.

Sorry, guys, this right here is an official…

Real-Time Update

Whoa whoa whoa.

All right, so this is definitely Nigel the Editor’s AIM that’s coming through—I mean, he’s the only dude I know who uses AIM anymore, so that’s no surprise—but something tells me this isn’t actually Nigel the Editor…

It begins, Doc—this is not Nigel the Editor. See what I mean?

Wait, another AIM is coming through: Stop writing your stupid book and pay attention.

Wait, how does this mystery person know I’m writing a book? (And it is not stupid!)

It is absolutely a stupid book. And we know because we know all. We have ears everywhere. Eyes everywhere. Spies everywhere. We are… the Brotherhood.

The Brotherhood?! Oh shit!

Didn’t see that one coming, did you?

I mean, if I’m being honest…

Bullshit. This was a total surprise and you know it!

Whatever you say, Carl the Hunchback.

But you saw me plummet to my doom in the icy depths of the ocean! And you KNOW that nickname is insensitive!

Dude, everyone knows that the evil archenemy who plummets to his doom isn’t really dead. We all knew you were coming back. Like, all of us. And it’s not my fault you have a hunchback. I mean, go to a fucking chiropractor or—