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Back Violence. Speed. Momentum. Save as PDF
Chapters (22)
  1. Dedication
  2. AUTHOR’S NOTE I’LL NEVER WRITE THIS BOOK
  3. PREFACE YAYAYAYA!
  4. INTRODUCTION OKAY, I’LL WRITE THIS BOOK
  5. CHAPTER 1 MY MULTIDIMENSIONAL BIRTH
  6. CHAPTER 2 LET’S SET A RECORD, BABY!
  7. CHAPTER 3 THE TWO-TIME
  8. CHAPTER 4 GROOMING WITH THE DOCTOR
  9. CHAPTER 5 ALL RIGHT, I’M BACK
  10. CHAPTER 6 THE DOC’S FIRST SPONSOR
  11. CHAPTER 7 THE SECOND TIME I DROVE A LAMBORGHINI (AND HOW YOU CAN DRIVE ONE TOO)
  12. CHAPTER 8 THE SECRET BEHIND WHAT, EXACTLY, I’M A DOCTOR OF
  13. CHAPTER 9 THE KUMITE EXCEPT FOR VIDEO GAMES AND ALSO IT’S REAL
  14. CHAPTER 10 THE ATHLETICISM—WOW!
  15. CHAPTER 11 THE KUMITE EXCEPT FOR VIDEO GAMES AND ALSO IT’S REAL
  16. CHAPTER 12 THE RIGHT FLIP PHONE FOR YOU
  17. CHAPTER 13 HOLLYWOOD DOMINATION—AND DOC’S DISILLUSIONMENT
  18. CHAPTER 14 WHAT I’M THE DOCTOR OF
  19. CHAPTER 15 THE END???
  20. EPILOGUE FROM THE DESK OF NIGEL P. FARNSWORTH III
  21. AFTERWORD DID YOU REALLY THINK I’D GIVE THAT PUNK EDITOR THE LAST WORD IN MY BOOK???
  22. ABOUT THE AUTHOR

But anyway, you messed up, I think you understand that now, I’m sure you won’t do it again, and I’m willing to let bygones be bygones. I’m happy to be the bigger man here. Because when it’s all said and done, I still love you, man. I still appreciate everything you’ve done for me and for the book and for the entire Champions Club. And I really am the bigger man out of the two of us, like a lot bigger, both literally and figuratively, and I think the facts back that up.

All right, cool. So I’m gonna finish up this chicken fajita, then I might need a nap. And then, when I’m good and ready, I’ll come rescue you from the Brotherhood. Cool?

Oh hey, Carl the Hunchback—where am I meeting you guys to kick your ass? Hong Kong again? You got a new lame-ass warehouse for me to demolish?

I’m glad you asked, Doc. The setting will be a bit… different this time.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. What are you showing me right now, bro? I thought you were inside, but that looks like gleaming silvery skyscrapers. Like shining spotlights and flashing bulbs and paparazzi and international press with TV cameras and helicopters and Lamborghinis and A-list stars and plush red carpets and all the glitzy glamour of a MAJOR EXCLUSIVE INVITATION-ONLY GLOBAL PAY-PER-VIEW GALA EVENT. That’s my kind of torture chamber, baby!

That’s right, Doc. I know you like… attention. We’re holding Nigel the Editor at the very top of the world’s tallest building in the heart of Dubai. And we invited the world’s top press, the galaxy’s biggest stars, and the most powerful, influential people in the cosmos to witness our final showdown. We’ll be waiting.

I disconnected AIM and arched one of my perfectly sculpted slate-black eyebrows.

A life-and-death rescue mission on the world’s tallest building in Dubai in front of the eyes and cameras of the entire sentient universe?

This just got interesting.

I. In this dimension, both my parents were grade-school teachers, and they had an irrational hatred for used-car dealers. There was no Razor Frank—no Razor Frank at all! Think about it.

CHAPTER 15 THE END???

So I’m flying my Ka-27 attack chopper through the clear Dubai night sky, dictating directly to my advanced prototype Casio TP-4000X microcassette recorder.

As usual, I know exactly what you’re thinking: “Doc, why are you dictating? Why not just wait to type this up later on your experimental Dell Inspiron with WordPerfect 5.1 emulator?”