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Chapters (22)
  1. Dedication
  2. AUTHOR’S NOTE I’LL NEVER WRITE THIS BOOK
  3. PREFACE YAYAYAYA!
  4. INTRODUCTION OKAY, I’LL WRITE THIS BOOK
  5. CHAPTER 1 MY MULTIDIMENSIONAL BIRTH
  6. CHAPTER 2 LET’S SET A RECORD, BABY!
  7. CHAPTER 3 THE TWO-TIME
  8. CHAPTER 4 GROOMING WITH THE DOCTOR
  9. CHAPTER 5 ALL RIGHT, I’M BACK
  10. CHAPTER 6 THE DOC’S FIRST SPONSOR
  11. CHAPTER 7 THE SECOND TIME I DROVE A LAMBORGHINI (AND HOW YOU CAN DRIVE ONE TOO)
  12. CHAPTER 8 THE SECRET BEHIND WHAT, EXACTLY, I’M A DOCTOR OF
  13. CHAPTER 9 THE KUMITE EXCEPT FOR VIDEO GAMES AND ALSO IT’S REAL
  14. CHAPTER 10 THE ATHLETICISM—WOW!
  15. CHAPTER 11 THE KUMITE EXCEPT FOR VIDEO GAMES AND ALSO IT’S REAL
  16. CHAPTER 12 THE RIGHT FLIP PHONE FOR YOU
  17. CHAPTER 13 HOLLYWOOD DOMINATION—AND DOC’S DISILLUSIONMENT
  18. CHAPTER 14 WHAT I’M THE DOCTOR OF
  19. CHAPTER 15 THE END???
  20. EPILOGUE FROM THE DESK OF NIGEL P. FARNSWORTH III
  21. AFTERWORD DID YOU REALLY THINK I’D GIVE THAT PUNK EDITOR THE LAST WORD IN MY BOOK???
  22. ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Maybe losing has always been inevitable because of who I am. If you’re always hungry for a new challenge, if you’re always hunting for more, if you refuse to be satisfied with being the best, maybe someday you simply have to fail no matter how good, how perfect, you are. After all, without real risk, is there really reward? Without loss, does winning truly mean a thing? Maybe I’d grow stronger if I finally came to terms with my own mortality, my own humanity. Maybe, just maybe, in the never-ending circle of life, this was all meant to be.

Hahahahaha. Yeah right.

I’m Dr Disrespect. And I’m gonna win this thing.

I eye the life meter on my screen. My power level is shrinking, on the brink of doom, absorbing blow after blow after blow.

150.

140.

Clouds churning, electricity crackling!

110.

95.

FUCK!

75.

55.

Buildings shaking, grown men weeping!

40.

30.

DAMN IT, COME ON, DOC!

10.

5.

Worlds colliding, dimensions bursting!

4.

3.

2.

RARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!

And then it happens.

One split second before I finally lose, one atomic instant before I, the Two-Time, the most dominant gaming superstar ever, experience failure for the very first time, a single bolt of lightning crashes down from the sky.

It slices through the air, cuts through the black of night, and strikes me. Electrifies every athletic molecule, ignites every devastating follicle, and irradiates the essence of my being.

And just like that, the Doc disappears. Vanishes.

Never to be seen again.

EPILOGUE FROM THE DESK OF NIGEL P. FARNSWORTH III

Greetings and salutations. My name is Nigel P. Farnsworth III, though I am perhaps best known to the readers of this memoir by the jocular sobriquet “Nigel the Editor.”

Indeed I am the editor of this intriguing, rather—dare I say—unique entry into the canon of Western nonfiction. And I am here to attest, as an impartial observer of the action herein described, that it is, indeed, a work entirely of nonfiction.

Perhaps I do indeed say “indeed” too often, and Doc and I did indeed have our, shall we say, issues. But everything he says here is true in the most Platonic sense of the word, and I should know, because I studied classical philosophy at Brown.

Dr Disrespect really was struck by a bolt of lightning, after which he mysteriously vanished off the face of this earth, never to be seen again. We’ll probably never know the real reason why. Perhaps the very concept of his losing was so anathema that the gods themselves decided to snatch him back to Mount Olympus. Perhaps his indomitable spirit simply soared to another, newer challenge on a higher cosmic plane, far from this world. Maybe he’s just plain dead. Whatever it is, I count myself truly fortunate to have witnessed such an act of courage, power, and competitive passion, even if it came too late to save my lower-hanging testicle of the two.