But still, you know that the Two-Time is never satisfied. So even after I assembled a Champions Club of the world’s greatest gamers in the most elite arena of all time, even after I amassed a fortune in diamonds and gold doubloons and black-on-black Lamborghini Diablos, it took, I don’t know, maybe a few months before I needed a new challenge. Or was it a few weeks? Or a few days? Who knows, it all gets a little blurry when you’re so goddamn dominant.

But there was one thing I did know, and that was that I needed something new to dominate. Something fresh, something original.

Instead I got Hollywood.

But you know—beggars can’t be choosers, right?

Hahaha, just kidding—I’ve never begged for anything in my life. NEVER! It’s just a stupid expression I decided to use. And in this case, not only did I not beg—WHICH I’VE NEVER DONE, DON’T FORGET THAT!!—but I didn’t even have to look very hard, because it landed right in my big-ass top secret backyard.

I’d just finished up my typical morning.

I’d street-raced one of my Diablos through the twists and turns of a nearby canyon, coming close to absolute destruction four times and laughing after every single one. I’d taken two multimillion-dollar business calls with industry titans on my flip phone. I’d polished both trophies from my back-to-back 1993–94 Blockbuster Video Game Championships, which took forty-seven minutes, and then I challenged—and beat—Razor Frank in hand-to-hand ninja combat, which only took six minutes.I

After that I’d returned to my studio, I’d started streaming, and I’d dominated Call of Duty: Modern Warfare. Racking up thousands of kills, leaving skinny punks dying in my wake, ruling with ferocity, terror, and intimidation.

All before 10:30 a.m. Just another day in the arena. Yawn.

So I decided to check out what was going on around my estate. Of course I had my walls and my moats and my gun turrets and my genetically engineered super-piranhas. But I also had an advanced experimental closed-circuit HD video system with audio capabilities deployed throughout the grounds of the Top Secret Command Center.

I could see everything. I could hear everything. I could guard against even the slightest intrusion by any of my thousands of bloodthirsty mortal enemies.

I could also spy on my neighbors, which helped pass the time when I was bored.

So I sat back in my custom-designed slate-black Corinthian-leather La-Z-Boy, turned on my digitally enhanced seventy-inch 4K Toshiba flat-screen security monitors, and took a peek at what was going on next door.

I gotta admit, it was a pretty classy joint. A giant mansion with wide green grounds, some big Greek columns, and a bunch of fountains with sculptures of Cupid pissing. Now, usually I would’ve just moved on to spying on my other rich neighbors, but this time I saw something different.