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Chapters (22)
  1. Dedication
  2. AUTHOR’S NOTE I’LL NEVER WRITE THIS BOOK
  3. PREFACE YAYAYAYA!
  4. INTRODUCTION OKAY, I’LL WRITE THIS BOOK
  5. CHAPTER 1 MY MULTIDIMENSIONAL BIRTH
  6. CHAPTER 2 LET’S SET A RECORD, BABY!
  7. CHAPTER 3 THE TWO-TIME
  8. CHAPTER 4 GROOMING WITH THE DOCTOR
  9. CHAPTER 5 ALL RIGHT, I’M BACK
  10. CHAPTER 6 THE DOC’S FIRST SPONSOR
  11. CHAPTER 7 THE SECOND TIME I DROVE A LAMBORGHINI (AND HOW YOU CAN DRIVE ONE TOO)
  12. CHAPTER 8 THE SECRET BEHIND WHAT, EXACTLY, I’M A DOCTOR OF
  13. CHAPTER 9 THE KUMITE EXCEPT FOR VIDEO GAMES AND ALSO IT’S REAL
  14. CHAPTER 10 THE ATHLETICISM—WOW!
  15. CHAPTER 11 THE KUMITE EXCEPT FOR VIDEO GAMES AND ALSO IT’S REAL
  16. CHAPTER 12 THE RIGHT FLIP PHONE FOR YOU
  17. CHAPTER 13 HOLLYWOOD DOMINATION—AND DOC’S DISILLUSIONMENT
  18. CHAPTER 14 WHAT I’M THE DOCTOR OF
  19. CHAPTER 15 THE END???
  20. EPILOGUE FROM THE DESK OF NIGEL P. FARNSWORTH III
  21. AFTERWORD DID YOU REALLY THINK I’D GIVE THAT PUNK EDITOR THE LAST WORD IN MY BOOK???
  22. ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Did Dostoyevsky’s publisher stop him from pushing the babushka? Did Shakespeare’s editor stop him from telling the world about codpieces and merkins? Of course not! If the greats could do it, why can’t I?

I—and SLICK, BY DOC, available NOW with SLICK for Her, ALSO BY DOC for the low combined price of $1,799.98 for a limited time only—am the greatest of them all!

All right, so now Nigel the Editor is messaging me that no one believes my nonsense, and if I don’t stop hawking my stuff and start doing my job—in particular, writing about what exactly I’m a doctor of immediately—then the publisher is gonna reconsider this whole thing.

Whoa. I mean… WHOA.

Those are some bold, bold words, my man.

When you totally screwed up my longest-“yayaya” record, I let it go. It was hard, but I let it go. And that was a chance to make history!

But this time? I don’t know, dude. You try to threaten me? Me—the Two-Time, the most dominant gaming champion the universe has ever known? You try to intimidate me? To bully me? You threaten to take away my own book?

A book I’ve poured myself into, fought for, bled for? A book I’ve been working on nonstop for at least an hour and a half after I got bored of doing much cooler stuff?

You think you can take that away from me?

Well, I got news for you, bro—I’m gonna take it away from you.

That’s right, Nigel the Editor. This is it. This is the end of the book.

No secret founding of the Champions Club. No incredible tips on how you too can have an amazing vertical leap. And damn well nothing about what I’m actually a doctor of.

It’s finished. It’s over. I’m done putting up with all your, like, editing and shit.

This, RIGHT NOW, is the official conclusion of my highly anticipated first and only memoir, Violence. Speed. Momentum.

Oh wait. I guess I need the…

Acknowledgments

Thank you to MYSELF for being such a great sport about all this. I totally couldn’t have done it without me. Later.

Yayayaya!

I. The only mustache that counts in this dimension is the glorious, standalone, beardless mustache. Because once a mustache is attached to a beard, it’s not really a mustache anymore, is it? It’s just a guy who didn’t shave for a while. Think about it.

II. If you can’t speak fluent Russian (like I can) in this dimension, LOOK IT UP. SHIT, KIDS TODAY!

CHAPTER 5 ALL RIGHT, I’M BACK

Nigel the Editor begged for forgiveness and bought ten cases of SLICK, BY DOC, and I very graciously marked up the price by 120 percent and agreed to keep writing my book.