I don’t care what this contract says. This is my book. It’ll have the rhythm of a sleazy seventies muscleman and the ruthlessness of a nineties serial killer. It’ll fly with the falcons to a whole new galaxy of awesomeness. It’ll stare down the long, dark alley of your fears and never look back.

So prepare yourself for a level of verbal domination never before experienced by man, woman, or child in the history of the written word.

Then again, no—there is no way to prepare. No way at all.

CHAPTER 1 MY MULTIDIMENSIONAL BIRTH

Every badass superhero has an origin story. Historians, scientists, and Nigel the Editor all say so.

Batman had that thing where his wealthy parents were murdered right in front of him in an alley when he was a kid. That must’ve sucked.

Superman had that thing where his whole planet was blown into a billion tiny pieces and his dying parents blasted him off into outer space. Also sucked.

Spider-Man got bitten by a radioactive spider. Actually kind of cool. But then his uncle got murdered by this dude Spidey failed to stop. Back to sucking.

But if it’s not clear to you yet—just kidding, of course it is—the Two-Time is different. The Two-Time is special. So the Two-Time has not one but three origin stories.

One for each dimension I inhabit.

“But wait,” you say, “why only three dimensions? Aren’t there supposed to be more?”

You try kicking ass in more than three dimensions and see how great you do, okay? Being a multidimensional superstar is not easy, man.

“Hold on,” you say, “how different is this really? Didn’t you see that Spider-Verse movie?”

Shut up. If I say it’s different, it’s different.

“Wait, wait, wait—”

Hey! Whose fucking book is this, anyway? Nigel, you’re supposed to be handling security here! I’m sick and tired of these interruptions!

So, as I was saying—three dimensions, three different origin stories. And here’s the critical fact you need to understand: each of them is equally valid, okay? They’re all completely true and completely false. Completely authentic and completely fictional. Completely silent, like the stealthy snake, and completely roaring, like the jungle cat. All at the same time.

Okay, fine. Maybe the second-dimension story is just a little better than the others…

NO.

That was a test, and you failed it.

All my origin stories are equal. All different, and all the same. Maybe that doesn’t make any sense, but trust me—it does. Oh yes, it does.

Think about it.I

MY ORIGIN IN DIMENSION ONE

This will be hard, maybe even impossible, for your mind to comprehend, but in Dimension One there was a time when the Doctor wasn’t the Doctor.