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Chapters (22)
  1. Dedication
  2. AUTHOR’S NOTE I’LL NEVER WRITE THIS BOOK
  3. PREFACE YAYAYAYA!
  4. INTRODUCTION OKAY, I’LL WRITE THIS BOOK
  5. CHAPTER 1 MY MULTIDIMENSIONAL BIRTH
  6. CHAPTER 2 LET’S SET A RECORD, BABY!
  7. CHAPTER 3 THE TWO-TIME
  8. CHAPTER 4 GROOMING WITH THE DOCTOR
  9. CHAPTER 5 ALL RIGHT, I’M BACK
  10. CHAPTER 6 THE DOC’S FIRST SPONSOR
  11. CHAPTER 7 THE SECOND TIME I DROVE A LAMBORGHINI (AND HOW YOU CAN DRIVE ONE TOO)
  12. CHAPTER 8 THE SECRET BEHIND WHAT, EXACTLY, I’M A DOCTOR OF
  13. CHAPTER 9 THE KUMITE EXCEPT FOR VIDEO GAMES AND ALSO IT’S REAL
  14. CHAPTER 10 THE ATHLETICISM—WOW!
  15. CHAPTER 11 THE KUMITE EXCEPT FOR VIDEO GAMES AND ALSO IT’S REAL
  16. CHAPTER 12 THE RIGHT FLIP PHONE FOR YOU
  17. CHAPTER 13 HOLLYWOOD DOMINATION—AND DOC’S DISILLUSIONMENT
  18. CHAPTER 14 WHAT I’M THE DOCTOR OF
  19. CHAPTER 15 THE END???
  20. EPILOGUE FROM THE DESK OF NIGEL P. FARNSWORTH III
  21. AFTERWORD DID YOU REALLY THINK I’D GIVE THAT PUNK EDITOR THE LAST WORD IN MY BOOK???
  22. ABOUT THE AUTHOR

I was the Two-Time, Back-to-Back 1993–94 Blockbuster Video Game Champion. Traveling any other way no longer made sense.

I. Note: The contents of this story take place in Dimension V, coincidentally the same dimension where all the stuff in V: The Final Battle actually happened in real life. Some details may not apply to Dimensions 1, R, and #;K@1}`, or whatever dimension you’re currently inhabiting at this exact second.

CHAPTER 4 GROOMING WITH THE DOCTOR

A lot of people have a problem with how incredibly seriously I take my grooming.

They say things like “Doc, true champions only focus on winning,” or “Real men don’t care about hair product,” or “Bro, stop combing your mustache, you’re about to drive your Lambo into that helpless pedestrian!”

And I say, “You don’t know a damn thing about winning,” and “I’m the manliest man you’ll ever meet in your pathetic, unattractive life,” and “That old lady with her little dog shoulda got the hell out of my way.”

Because here’s the thing.

It’s not enough to only win, all right? You gotta win and you gotta look good doing it.

Think about it. Imagine you go to a tournament—and it can be any kind of tournament, okay? It can be video games, javelin throwing, Parcheesi, whatever—and you somehow manage to win. But when you do, you’re not looking good.

So you get up there on that pedestal when it’s all over to accept your medal, and guess what? No one wants to celebrate you. No one wants to take pictures of you. No one wants to talk about you or write about you or even look at you.

Why would they? You look like hot garbage! Your haircut is sensible and utilitarian. Your face is covered with razor bumps or gross pubey stubble. Your teeth are yellow and you smell like the wrong end of a dog. The truth is, you lost this thing before you played a single round.

Now imagine that I, Dr Disrespect, the Two-Time himself, am at this same tournament. And imagine—now, brace yourself here, because I’m about to say something ridiculous—imagine I actually come in second.

I know this makes no sense and you probably got a migraine just trying to think about it. My computer actually overheated when I typed it, like I literally just had to restart my Dell Inspiron prototype with Intel 980000 processing and WordPerfect 5.1 emulator, that’s how completely, totally stupid it is to ever think of me coming in second in anything. Including javelin throwing or Parcheesi, because I’m excellent at both of those.

But anyway, for the sake of argument, let’s pretend I did.

So at the medal ceremony I’m standing next to you, the “winner,” on my slightly lower pedestal (not that it really matters, because I’m eleven inches taller than you, but whatever), about to get my slightly smaller second-place trophy.