That’s right. SQUIRT, BY DOC is the only bidet designed specially by the Nobel-winning scientists at my multimillion-dollar Top Secret Command Center to spray water into your sphincter in the most dignified, dominant, and American way possible.

I know, because I most definitely did NOT just use it to deep-cleanse my muscular, athletic butt after an insane bout of powerful, explosive diarrhea while I’m typing this at this moment.

To own your very own SQUIRT, BY DOC, go NOW to InterdimensionalChampionsClub.gg—

FUCK.

Hey, sorry, guys. I just got a ping from Nigel the Editor on AOL Instant Messenger, and I have a feeling he’s gonna be pissed. Oh man—I’m having a hard time not laughing and not butt-peeing again.

Anyway, I guess we got an official…

Real-Time Update

Yeah, so I checked my AIM, and here’s what Nigel the Editor wrote:

Doc: I am indeed sick of all this fighting and your total lack of respect for me and everything I do for you and literature in general. I’m quitting your book and going on a two-week vacation to Hong Kong. Forthwith, Simon & Schuster will connect you with a new punching bag—I mean editor. Yours never, Nigel the Editor

Well. It was just, like, a joke, dude.

I don’t really even make a bidet. (If I did, it would come in slate black and Lamborghini red and would be on sale NOW for only $99.95!)

Seriously, man, I was just messing with you. I don’t even mind that you totally threw in “indeed” and “forthwith” in a fricking AIM message. Honestly, all your pompous crap was starting to grow on me.

But hey, it’s your call. If you can’t take my world-champion heat, then get out of my all-black-granite kitchen. And go on vacay to Hong Kong, I guess.

Hong Kong… Hong Kong… You know, that reminds me of another one of my never-before-told stories. And it totally coincidentally happens to be my next chapter…

By the way, that definitely was NOT the sound of a flush you just heard.

I. Yeah, with your luck it’s probably your dimension. Sucks to be you.

CHAPTER 9 THE KUMITE EXCEPT FOR VIDEO GAMES AND ALSO IT’S REAL

Part One: The Brotherhood

I’ve shared a ton of powerful stories in this book.

You, of course, have loved them all. You’ve laughed. Your heart has raced. You’ve cried at least a dozen times, and most of those times you didn’t even know why. “Am I happy? Am I angry? Maybe I’m just really confused?”

Who knows? And who really cares? Not me, that’s for damn sure.