Don’t get me wrong, I still own seven Krzrs. I mean, I’m rich—so why not? And they’re still pretty cool, just not as cool as the Razr. I own thirty of those. Each one is a different shade of black.

What’s less well-known is that Motorola also developed a whole shit-ton of experimental next-generation Razr prototypes. Me being me, I own every single one of them. I use ’em depending on my mood or outfit on any given day.

Lazr: A black, one-of-a-kind, laser-powered flip phone that shoots actual lasers, and guess what? The laser beams are also black. Seriously, black laser beams! I don’t even know how the fuck that’s possible, but it is. This thing would’ve cost a normal person over $1.3 billion, but I won it in a game of Street Fighter II with Motorola’s head engineer. Pretty sure I got him fired, but hey—no one forced him to play me. Anyway, I use my Lazr whenever I attend a movie premiere put on by my bud Chris Nolan, just to remind him I’m the bigger visionary.

Tazr: Specially made for cops, it can fire a charge of thirty thousand volts into a person of interest. I use this one when I feel like leaving my Kalashnikov and serrated bowie knife at the Top Secret Command Center and going less-than-lethal. So, I don’t know, never?

Phazr: I got this one because I was like, “Whoa, I bet this is like a flip phone combined with a super–top secret Star Trek phaser weapon!” Turned out it was just preprogrammed with William Shatner’s phone number. And you know what? Pretty nice guy!

Mazr: I pull this model out when I’m feeling trapped in a labyrinth of my own ennui or whenever I watch Labyrinth, the iconic 1986 film starring David Bowie’s incredible Goblin King mullet. Slap that baby, make him free!

Blazr: I throw this one on when I need to look business-casual on short notice.

Hazr: This ultra-rare and ultra-expensive model is two prototype plastic cups connected by a prototype string. Part of me wonders if this is a joke at my expense.

But also, guess what?

The guys at Motorola were so blown away by my excellence, dominance, and success—plus the fact that I’m the only living person on this earth who still uses flip phones—that they actually created one just for me: the Dctr.