“Talk? On the phone? With words?”

“Wow. You finally put it together.”

“But I never do that! Not even with my parents!”

“I’m not your fucking parents. The name-ame-ame is Doctor-octor-octor Disrespect-ect-ect-ect.”

“Why are you making that funny echo noise with your mouth?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

So. If having the right flip phone is so critical on so many levels—technical, cosmetic, martial, philosophical—how do you choose the right one for you?

Damned if I know. I mean, seriously—I don’t know you. I don’t know what your face looks like, what your values are, what your income is, how much of a warrior you may or may not be. How the hell should I know the right flip phone for you? I’m not a psychic.

But I do know the right flip phones for me. Maybe that’ll help you out, or maybe it won’t—not my problem.

Motorola

As far as the Doctor is concerned, Motorolas are the crème de la crème of flip phones, to borrow from the Swahili. English can’t capture how exceptional they are.

Who can forget the iconic Razr? No one with a combat knife in an ankle sheath, that’s who.

And if you’re like, “But, Doc, I’m only twelve years old, I wasn’t even born when the Razor was around,” then look it up, punk! Oh yeah, and when you Google—it’s “Razr,” no “O.” No vowel at all between the “Z” and the “R.” I have no idea why, but for some reason that makes the phone a ton cooler, all right? It’s like someone took a razor to the word “razor,” the ultimate conclusion of Occam’s razr.

Once you do just a minimum of research you’ll see just what made the Razr so damn unforgettable. Thin. Sleek. Shiny. Sharp.

I look at it and think, “Careful, Doc, you could cut yourself on that baby, it’s so fucking sharp.” Probably because I actually have cut myself on my Razr before, which might have to do with how surprisingly sensitive my perfect skin is.

Whatever it is, it’s awesome, and it’s Doc’s choice of flip phone for when he’s stepping out on the town and wants to make a call—and a great impression on the hundreds of paparazzi who follow him everywhere he goes.

Oh, and the keypad looks like something out of Tron. The original, badass Tron, not the bullshit sequel. So yeah, cool keypad too.

The Razr was, as everyone knows, followed by the Krzr. The Krzr was longer, narrower, and had exactly zero vowels. But honestly, it wasn’t quite as cool as the Razr. Just trying a little too hard, you know?