The Dctr flip phone isn’t just a work of science. It’s not just a work of art. It’s on a whole other level, a spiritual revelation of portable telecommunications. Like, if Motorola had released this flip phone seven or eight years ago, they’d probably still be a real, authentic American company instead of just some bogus brand name owned by Lenovo. (To make my new customized flip phone, the entire original team behind the Razr came back together, led by the same head engineer I got fired years ago. Not like he had anything better to do.)

The Dctr is so thin I can slide it into my jet-black sealskin wallet and it makes less of a bulge than my black Amex. It’s so sleek that if I could drive it, I’d take it over all fifty of my Lambos. It’s so smooth that when I flip that baby open it almost disappears into thin air.

I’d say it’s black-on-black-on-black, except there is no “on.” It’s a two-dimensional, highly glossed, highly polished black plane. No screen, no numbers, no perceivable interface at all. If I want a specific button, I just push… and it’s there. Nothing but pure, strong, glossy black everywhere except for the cover, where, etched in a matte-black finish, is the silhouette of my flowing mullet, my cunning specs, and Slick Daddy.

And guess what? The Dctr can be yours, right now, at InterdimensionalChampionsClub.gg, for the incredible price of—

Nah. Just kidding. This one is all mine.

Nokia

I mean, what can I say? The Two-Time only accepts the best, and the best is Motorola.

But maybe for some weird reason you want… not-best?

Is there even a word in the English language for “not-best”? The very idea is so strange to my mind, so foreign to everything I stand for, that I seriously don’t know. Oh wait. Waaaaait. I think I… Yep, that’s it. That’s the one: “loser.”

So let’s talk about Nokia.

In the battle for flip-phone supremacy, these guys are the only ones who even come close to the Motorola Razr. And by “close” I mean they’re about five light-years away. Sure, they’re reliable, they’re stylish, and they’ve got reasonable prices. But they’re number two. And because they’re number two, they are, by definition, poop.

That’s just a fact.

The only other fact you need to know about Nokia is that they’re from Finland. Don’t get me wrong, the Finns, the Swedes, the Nords, and all those really tall, pasty white people who eat lingonberries and meatballs—they’re good at lots of shit.

Like vodka, shipbuilding, and berserking.

All right, I guess that’s pretty much it. Oh, and making cheap furniture that ruins relationships. But the only cool thing they’re good at is conquering Britain.