That is what being a championship gamer means.

Now, I ask you—could I be all those things, could I have that killer spirit and devotion to pure berserker dominance, if I was fucking six foot two??

Could I embrace the champion’s way of life if my body was anything less than the perfectly chiseled, diamond-cut, forged-in-the-eternal-fires-of-Mount-Doom athletic phenomenon it is?

Could I be the one-and-only Dr Disrespect if my vertical leap was only thirty-six inches?

The truth is so crystal clear I don’t even know why we’re talking about it. You need physical dominance to be a winner. You need incredible height and supercharged athleticism to be a champion. You need an insane vertical leap to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.

In anything: video games, life, love, video games. Anything!

But I don’t judge you for your ignorance. Just kidding—of course I judge you. But I also pity you. You simply can’t understand how important in life it is to be physically superior to your fellow man—because, well, you’re probably not.

Don’t believe me?

Here’s what I want you to do. Right now, I want you to get off your ass—no, don’t put down the book, you gotta keep reading so I can order you around—and I want you to go look in the mirror. Yes, at yourself.

Now, we got two options here, right? Either a) you’re a flabby, pear-shaped, cellulite-dimpled Grimace-body, or b) you’re a skinny, stick-figure, stringy-muscled punk. Don’t argue. You’re definitely one of those two. That’s just the way it is.

Now, the honest truth is that I, the Doc, the Two-Time himself, love you just the way you are. You go right ahead and be ridiculously out of shape. Have an ass the size of a semitruck. Have shoulders so bony they could cut glass. It seriously doesn’t matter to me, because I’m rich and successful and inherently kind enough to love everyone, even you.

But after reading those straight-up facts about your body, how do you feel? Pretty shitty, right?

And trapped in that physical reality—a reality of being perpetually shorter, squatter, thinner or fatter, and less athletic than myself—you’ll never have my powerful mentality. You’ll never comprehend what it means to be a superstar hyper-dominant killing machine.

So what do we do about it?

Unfortunately for you, pretty much nothing.

I wish I could tell you that my physique is this impressive because I worked hard at it. Or even because I worked at all. I wish I could give you some list of turbocharged, foolproof exercises and dietary supplements that would magically transform you from a completely average, totally unimpressive human being into something Herculean.