“MI-YA-GI! MI-YA-GI! MI-YA-GI!”

After that came Pretty Boy Batista from Rio de Janeiro, who was actually horrible at soccer and the only ugly Brazilian I’ve ever seen, then Pepe le Phil from Paris, who hated berets and had never been rude in his life, and Just Plain Usman from Nigeria. They wisely didn’t stereotype him or give him a nickname at all, but sadly he was the one in sandals and socks.

He kinda nodded at me. Hmm. Maybe he was a secret double agent making contact so we could hatch a diabolical scheme together later. Or maybe being nice is just a Nigerian cultural thing.

“And that,” Hannn said, “concludes my introduction of the best of this year’s gamers. The others are very good, of course, but not…”

I didn’t even hear the rest of his pathetic words. Fire flashed in my crazed eyes—RAGE—venom pumped through my veins—MORE RAGE—violence crashed through every atom of my chiseled six-foot-eight frame—MORE MORE MORE RAGE!

“WHAT DID HE SAY ABOUT THE TWO-TIME?”

Carl the Hunchback tried to grab me—

“No, Doc! Don’t!”

—but I pushed past him to the center of the arena, where I stood tall and proud and athletic, glaring up directly into Hannn’s eyes. Or, you know, at least where I thought his eyes probably were, because he was still hidden in the shadows like a coward.

“LISTEN UP, HANNN!”

“What?” he roared. “Who dares interrupt the lord of the Brotherhood?”

“I not only dare,” I snarled, “I double-dog dare! I don’t know who you think you are, why you thought it was smart to cut off your good hand, or even where exactly your pupils are right now because it’s pretty dark back there, but there’s one thing I do know—and that’s who I am.

“I am the greatest, most dominant gamer in the history of the universe. I am the undisputed Back-to-Back 1993–94 Blockbuster Video Game Champion. I am the eagle that soars to the peak of Mount Olympus and the tiger that tears out the throat of his enemies. I am the butt-naked Vaseline-covered missile that shoots down the waterslide and the guy who does the robot at senior prom and makes it look cool.

“And I damn well ain’t one of the others who are just ‘very good.’

“The name-ame-ame is Doctor-octor-octor Disrespect-ect-ect-ect.”

The entire chaotic arena went silent—and I mean silent.

“Did—did you just add your own reverb effect with your mouth?” Hannn asked.

I grinned, my mighty mane of hair blowing dramatically in a mysterious wind. “You’re goddamn right I did.”

Oh man. That is such a perfect line to end part 1.

Seriously—chills right now. But yeah, now you’re gonna have to wait for part 2 to see how it all ends. Suck it up, punks.