BooksBarbecue
Back Violence. Speed. Momentum.
Chapters (22)
  1. Dedication
  2. AUTHOR’S NOTE I’LL NEVER WRITE THIS BOOK
  3. PREFACE YAYAYAYA!
  4. INTRODUCTION OKAY, I’LL WRITE THIS BOOK
  5. CHAPTER 1 MY MULTIDIMENSIONAL BIRTH
  6. CHAPTER 2 LET’S SET A RECORD, BABY!
  7. CHAPTER 3 THE TWO-TIME
  8. CHAPTER 4 GROOMING WITH THE DOCTOR
  9. CHAPTER 5 ALL RIGHT, I’M BACK
  10. CHAPTER 6 THE DOC’S FIRST SPONSOR
  11. CHAPTER 7 THE SECOND TIME I DROVE A LAMBORGHINI (AND HOW YOU CAN DRIVE ONE TOO)
  12. CHAPTER 8 THE SECRET BEHIND WHAT, EXACTLY, I’M A DOCTOR OF
  13. CHAPTER 9 THE KUMITE EXCEPT FOR VIDEO GAMES AND ALSO IT’S REAL
  14. CHAPTER 10 THE ATHLETICISM—WOW!
  15. CHAPTER 11 THE KUMITE EXCEPT FOR VIDEO GAMES AND ALSO IT’S REAL
  16. CHAPTER 12 THE RIGHT FLIP PHONE FOR YOU
  17. CHAPTER 13 HOLLYWOOD DOMINATION—AND DOC’S DISILLUSIONMENT
  18. CHAPTER 14 WHAT I’M THE DOCTOR OF
  19. CHAPTER 15 THE END???
  20. EPILOGUE FROM THE DESK OF NIGEL P. FARNSWORTH III
  21. AFTERWORD DID YOU REALLY THINK I’D GIVE THAT PUNK EDITOR THE LAST WORD IN MY BOOK???
  22. ABOUT THE AUTHOR

3. Formulate an Illegal Poisonous Compound Using Common Household Ingredients [Redacted X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X][redacted]

Fuck. What is this? All I wanted to do was type [Redacted X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X][redacted]—SHIT!

All right, guys, I had a feeling this might happen.

Because I’m both a killer assassin and a doctor—I won’t tell you of what, not yet—I know how to make a certain illegal poisonous compound that induces rapid excessive nosebleeds.

It’s critical to my plan, and it’s actually pretty simple to make.

But Nigel the Editor and the suits at the publishing house won’t let me—ME—write down the key ingredient, [Redacted X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X][redacted]. Some garbage about liability and we’ll all go to jail for five hundred years blah blah blabbity blah blah.

So listen.

Go to the dark web, and look up common household ingredients that cause rapid excessive nosebleeds, all right? You’ll see [Redacted X X X X X X X X X X X X][redacted] listed right there. You all have it. Trust me.

Once you have the [Redacted X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X][redacted]—shit, so annoying—just take [Redacted X X X X X X X X X][redacted]—come on, seriously?—and use a mortar and pestle to grind them up into a very fine [Redacted][redacted]—bro, are you kidding?—then mix that with [X X X][redacted] milliliters of [Redacted X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X][redacted]—DUDE, IT’S [Redacted X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X][redacted]!! YOU CAN GET IT FROM YOUR LOCAL FUCKING [Redacted X X X X X][redacted]!—and then put [Redacted X X X X X X X X X X X][redacted] in [X X X][redacted] small [Redacted X X X X X X][redacted] [Redacted X X X X X X X X X X X X][redacted].

MOTHERF[X X X]!!!

Whatever. Dark web, nosebleeds. You get it.

4. Makeover Time

Lamborghini dealers are obviously classy, posh dudes who are used to dealing with high-net-worth clientele. So if you wanna drive a Lambo, you gotta look like a guy who drives a Lambo.

Bonus tip: the more you look like a guy who drives a Lambo, the more you’ll feel like a guy who drives a Lambo. In other words, a winner.

a) Take a shower. If I know you, and I think I do, you need one bad.