b) Do all the grooming tips from chapter 4. I mean all of them: Pert Plus, SLICK, BY DOC body spray, mullet, ’stache, the whole deal. Those last two might take a while to grow in. That’s cool, I’ll wait.

c) Get dressed. You wanna dress in a way that shows you’re not only rich enough to buy sweet clothes, you’re so damn rich you don’t have to. I find that a skintight black T-shirt with a solid-gold-plated medallion around my neck generally impresses people. And if it happens to be a warm day, go ahead and put on those cut-off black jean shorts. Nothing cooler than showing off a pair of well-oiled, nicely tanned calves.

d) Get swole. Look, who are we kidding? You’re a chubby slob. That’s not gonna change overnight. But we can at least tone a little, right? I want twenty squats now. NOW! Come on, target those glutes, baby! Target those glutes! Now give me twenty push-ups, fifty crunches, thirty pull-ups—WITH PERFECT FORM—and thirty RDLs, and run five miles for the hell of it. What, you’re complaining? Shit, I do this ten times as my warm-up. Not even my warm-up for working out. My warm-up for having lunch. BUCK UP!I

e) Repeat steps a through c. Because now you’re all sweaty and you stink. We can’t have you go to the Lambo dealer like that.

5. Drive to the Lamborghini Dealer

Park your ’73 AMC Gremlin at least four blocks away so no one can tell it’s your car. Bonus points if you park right under a bird’s nest so your car gets covered in shit, because that’s hilarious.

If the posh, snooty dealer asks you where your ride is, be like, “My chauffeur dropped me off in my slate-black stretch Hummer with flame detailing on the sides.” That’ll shut him up.

6. Browse the Merchandise

The key here is to act like an incredibly successful, hyper-dominant winner at all times. I know, it’s a stretch.

Start by super-casually looking at the floor models. Like you’re barely glancing at them out of the corner of your eye, you’re in the middle of a super-important call on your Motorola flip phone, and you hardly even know why the fuck you’re there.

Every now and then, just happen to notice the sticker price on one of the models’ windows. When you see it, arch an eyebrow really, really subtly, then laugh extra loud and shout, “THAT’S IT!? THAT’S CHEAP AF!”

Make sure you say “AF” and not “as fuck,” because that’s much classier.