I know this because the moment I drove a Lamborghini Diablo for the very first time—remember that? Back when I rented one to get to my second Blockbuster Video Game Championship back in 1994?—I knew that I would not stop, would not rest, would not even truly live until I owned my very own Lambo. I’d do anything to get my hands on one, all right? ANYTHING! And no one who’s actually driven a Lamborghini for themselves could possibly feel any different.

Driving a Lamborghini is like injecting pure violence, pure speed, pure momentum directly into your aorta. Everything you do, the very reality you experience, is transported to a whole new level on the cosmic plane.

Step into the driver’s seat and you’re in a Chariot of the Gods. Turn the key in the ignition and watch the phoenix be reborn in a burst of flames. The engine rumbles and you feel the vibrations in your loins, the earthquake in your soul. Grip the steering wheel and you’re wrestling with a bloodthirsty panther. Then you put your foot on that pedal and—

BOOM! The thunder!

BOOM! The lightning!

BOOM! The energy!

Then you drive to the 7-Eleven for Zima and beef jerky and instead arrive at the tippity-top of Mount Olympus for manna and ambrosia.

Now, don’t come to me being like, “Oh, but, Doc, I’ve driven a Porsche before!” Or a Ferrari! Or a Jaguar or an Aston Martin or any kind of super-duper speedy-speedster you think might be kinda the same thing as a Lamborghini.

NO! IT’S NOT.

You can take your Porsche, all right, and you can put it on top of your Ferrari, and you can put that inside your Jaguar and wrap all that in your Aston Martin like some kind of crazy sports-car turducken—and it still wouldn’t be half the automobile the Lamborghini is. They’re just not on the same level of spiritual ecstasy.

But here’s what I’m gonna do, because I like you—or at least, I pity you.

I’m gonna help you experience the might, the majesty, the magnificence of driving a Lambo all by yourself for once in your sorry, flabby, pear-shaped life.

You’re not even gonna have to buy one. You’re just gonna have to pretend to.

All you gotta do is follow every last one of these diabolical, devious, extremely well-researched steps:

1. Find an Authorized Lamborghini Dealer

This dealer should be close enough to you so your shitty 1973 AMC Gremlin can make it there without, like, exploding, but not so close that anyone who works there will know you or have legal jurisdiction over crimes you may or may not commit—so, you know, cross the Hazzard County line!

2. Buy a Reliable Stopwatch

I recommend an advanced prototype Timex T7G51002 for extra reliability. It should cost you about $3.99 at Walmart.