Matter of fact, Slick Daddy really did come to me in my dreams in the middle of the night to whisper his nickname in my ear. He had a voice like gravel soaked in scotch, and he spoke in a commanding way that pierced the inner reaches of my being.

Besides Slick Daddy, the only other person who ever nicknamed himself successfully was the late, great, ever-eternal Black Mamba, Kobe Bryant. And we both know you’re not on his level, come on now.

But don’t worry, you’re in luck.

Not only am I a super-nice, perfect, modest champion, but I also happen to be really, really good at coming up with cool nicknames. So just this once—just this once!—my genius creative mind is gonna do all the work for you.

Below are two columns, Column E and Column N, because those are the letters I felt like. Pick one word from Column E and one word from Column N. Doesn’t matter which two you choose.

Put ’em together and BOOM, you got a brand-new, custom-built, badass nickname for your mustache, just like that. Hundred percent guaranteed.

Shit, I’m good.

Okay! Inspired work, if I do say so myself.

Just remember that it’s always Column E first, then Column N. Never the other way around, because that would be ridiculous. Except maybe Cobra Killer, which is kind of sick.

Foreign Nickname Bonus Content

If you want some foreign nicknames for your mustache—and Slick Daddy seriously must have about twenty spanning all seven continents, all seven seas, and both polar ice caps (off the top of my head there’s the Ethiopian Poisonous Caterpillar [obvs], the Spanish Picante Chile Con Carne, the Irish Swarthy Leprechaun, and the Russian Это Как Гугл Переводчик Работает ПриветII)—well, then, you pretty much have to be a major international super-celebrity like me.

Sorry, that’s just how it is.

Then once you’re one of us, you get into your private plane or your personal Kamov Ka-27 attack chopper and you fly to every country you’re famous in—all of them, if you’re me—and you walk into a local sports bar in the last minute of a very important sports game and you stand in front of the only TV in the whole place and you scream at the top of your lungs, “NAME MY MUSTACHE! NAME IT NOWWWWWWWWW!”

Then after that, some local foreign guy who’s totally drunk and out of shape stands up and shouts something in a language you don’t understand. You record it on your flip phone, you politely say thank you, and then you get the fuck out of there before he stabs you with a broken bottle.

And then you’ve got an official, authentic foreign nickname for your mustache.

PROPER BODY ODOR