Now the only razor that touches this sensitive yet stunningly square jaw is my Mach 23 Prototype Razor XL-3000 and its twenty-three blades of pure titanium, coated with diamond carbonite for maximum precision and sharpness to get within one-millionth of one-thousandth of one-hundredth of one nanometer of my skin.

Or in other words, the precise width of a single atom at the very bottom of my ball sack. Which actually is a pretty big fucking atom.

And just in case I get bored while I’m shaving—and because I’m really good at multitasking—each prototype razor is fitted with prototype Bose Micro speakers so I can listen to Bell Biv DeVoe’s “Poison,” plus a prototype mini 4K VR Sony plasma-screen so I can watch reruns of Knight Rider, plus an experimental prototype mini Nokia flip phone so I can take a call to close a monster deal, all while keeping my face baby-butt smooth.

Because these priceless prototype razors are engineered with exceptional custom bespoke Schick technology, each one is totally good enough for a single shave. After I’m done I throw it away and open up a new one.

A little pricey, yeah, but when you’re the greatest gaming superstar of all time, a luxury like that isn’t just a luxury—it’s a necessity that’s also really luxurious.

Oh, and for a normal guy like you? You can just buy a bag of a thousand Bics for like two bucks or whatever. Honestly, that shit’s all the same anyway, right?

3. Nickname

Let’s be real here for a sec, all right? Can you handle the realness?

The realness is this: Giving your mustache a cool nickname is just as important as making it look good. Maybe even more so.

Think about it. Looking great doesn’t mean much if people aren’t talking about your looking great. And who’s gonna talk about your mustache if it has a shitty nickname or none at all?

Now, if you got a mustache named Slick Daddy—which, again, you never will because it’s trademarked, copyrighted, and patent pending—then everyone’s gonna want a piece of that thing.

Just say the words “Slick” and “Daddy” and you immediately think of a world-champion mustache that’s perfectly groomed, thick, dominant, black, and attached to a man of towering height, sweet wraparound shades, and the latest technology in flip phones.

Seriously, just say it a few times out loud. No, honestly, like right now.

You feel that vibration? It makes you want to dance with the wolf and fly with the eagle.

It makes you ask, “What makes this guy tick? Would he ever be interested in what makes me tick?”

But here’s some more realness for you, all right? Coming up with a nickname for yourself ain’t easy. It takes the heart of a warrior, the cojones of a rhino, and the soul of Don Draper.