This one is pretty simple.

You ever get that not-so-fresh feeling in the morning? Like you take your shower, you wash and condition your long, thick jet-black hair with Pert Plus, you step out and dry off with your loom-woven silk towel, and you think, “Man, I just don’t feel so fresh this morning.”

Fear not, my friend. Because for just those kinds of mornings—for every morning, really—I’ve got just the body spray for you.

It’s SLICK, BY DOC.

I know, you can just hear that icy-smooth jingle I composed myself echoing in the background, can’t you?

Bump-tsshhh.

Bump-tsshhh-tsshhh.

“Slick, by Doc!”

Of course you can.

SLICK, BY DOC represents the ultimate in masculine smells designed specifically for men. And not just any men—I’m talking men who know how to win. That’s right, SLICK, BY DOC was formulated by the world’s top odor scientists to be a precise blend of one-third testosterone, one-third musk, one-third violence, and one-third victory.

Just slap six or seven ounces of SLICK, BY DOC all over your butt-naked body twice a day, maybe even four times if you really like smelling great like I do, and you’ll feel ready to dominate the universe on a whole new level of thunder and lightning and twilight of the gods.

Sound good? You bet it does.

Why wait any longer? Go NOW to InterdimensionalChampionsClub.gg and for the reasonable price of $1,399.99 you can order your very own lifetime supply of—

FUCK.

Sorry, you guys. I was really on a roll there, but my AOL Instant Messenger just beeped, and I got Nigel the Editor giving me an official…

Real-Time Update

Shit. This is the worst.

This dude is actually messaging me that the publisher is sick of all my “self-promotion” and “advertising.” That they didn’t give me this huge book deal so I could “peddle” my “cheap paraphernalia” on my “website,” and I should stick to writing my “book.”

First off, enough with all the written air quotes, all right, man? We get it.

Second, I don’t even know what the fuck “paraphernalia” is, but whatever it is, mine definitely ain’t cheap.

Is it my fault that SLICK, BY DOC happens to be scientifically proven to have more power, more energy, more WOW than any other men’s body spray on the planet?

Is it my fault that my mustache, Slick Daddy, is so badass that I trademarked and copyrighted it, and everyone has to pay me $129.95 at InterdimensionalChampionsClub.gg if they want to copy it?

Of course not! I’m just trying to give the people what they want here! I’m doing the citizens of this earth a favor! They want access to the coolest, hottest body wash and the most advanced prototype merchandise in the universe, and I want to give it to them!