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Back Violence. Speed. Momentum.
Chapters (22)
  1. Dedication
  2. AUTHOR’S NOTE I’LL NEVER WRITE THIS BOOK
  3. PREFACE YAYAYAYA!
  4. INTRODUCTION OKAY, I’LL WRITE THIS BOOK
  5. CHAPTER 1 MY MULTIDIMENSIONAL BIRTH
  6. CHAPTER 2 LET’S SET A RECORD, BABY!
  7. CHAPTER 3 THE TWO-TIME
  8. CHAPTER 4 GROOMING WITH THE DOCTOR
  9. CHAPTER 5 ALL RIGHT, I’M BACK
  10. CHAPTER 6 THE DOC’S FIRST SPONSOR
  11. CHAPTER 7 THE SECOND TIME I DROVE A LAMBORGHINI (AND HOW YOU CAN DRIVE ONE TOO)
  12. CHAPTER 8 THE SECRET BEHIND WHAT, EXACTLY, I’M A DOCTOR OF
  13. CHAPTER 9 THE KUMITE EXCEPT FOR VIDEO GAMES AND ALSO IT’S REAL
  14. CHAPTER 10 THE ATHLETICISM—WOW!
  15. CHAPTER 11 THE KUMITE EXCEPT FOR VIDEO GAMES AND ALSO IT’S REAL
  16. CHAPTER 12 THE RIGHT FLIP PHONE FOR YOU
  17. CHAPTER 13 HOLLYWOOD DOMINATION—AND DOC’S DISILLUSIONMENT
  18. CHAPTER 14 WHAT I’M THE DOCTOR OF
  19. CHAPTER 15 THE END???
  20. EPILOGUE FROM THE DESK OF NIGEL P. FARNSWORTH III
  21. AFTERWORD DID YOU REALLY THINK I’D GIVE THAT PUNK EDITOR THE LAST WORD IN MY BOOK???
  22. ABOUT THE AUTHOR

But, you know, there are plenty of other styles out there that are just okay, and I just know that at least one of them wants to choose your face.

So here’s what you’re gonna do.

You’re gonna stand in front of a mirror, and you’re gonna stare hard at that mug of yours, okay? Right at that naked spot above your upper lip. And you’re gonna listen. Just listen.

Now, this might take a while, all right? You might be standing there two, three days. You might not be able to eat food or drink water, and you might have to wear an adult diaper.

But that’s fine. That’s ideal, in fact. Because sooner or later you’re gonna hear a voice—just like I might have—and that voice is gonna whisper something to you.

Something like “handlebar” or “walrus” or “pencil” or “horseshoe.”

That voice is your mustache choosing you. Or it’s a fasting hallucination. But probably it’s your mustache choosing you.

And you’re gonna do whatever your mustache tells you to do, no matter how insane—with three important exceptions:

  1. a) The Hitler Mustache: Most unpopular guy in recorded history, and honestly, if your mustache is whispering the name of any genocidal dictator, you should probably do an Amish beard instead.
  2. b) The Charlie Chaplin Mustache: Great guy, but too weirdly close to the Hitler ’stache, so best to avoid.
  3. c) The Slick Daddy Mustache™®© (patent pending): Unless you pay the $129.95 licensing fee at InterdimensionalChampionsClub.gg.

2. Razor

Look, the Two-Time doesn’t use just any razor.

The brilliant mustache scientists at Schick developed for me and me only a special Mach 23 Prototype Razor XL-3000 with twenty-three—yeah, twenty-three—blades on it for the closest possible shave in the history of humanity on Earth or in space.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, because you’re not as clever as you assume. You’re thinking, “Doc, Schick doesn’t even make the Mach line of razors, that’s Gillette.”

But that’s checkers to my chess.

See, I was about to give Gillette the honor of crafting a one-of-a-kind custom razor for Slick Daddy, but they couldn’t figure out how to put more than nineteen blades on a single razor, and that’s fucking unacceptable.

So I went to my boys at Schick and, yeah, even they were kind of confused by why I needed so many blades on a single razor, but I pointed at Slick Daddy and was like, “Fellas, you think a mustache this cunning, this deadly, doesn’t know exactly what he wants? Are you really trying to tell me the Ethiopian Poisonous Caterpillar deserves fewer than twenty-three blades? Are you?”

They totally saw the flawless logic in my argument, and they also saw me cracking the knuckles of my huge, powerful, rocklike fists, so they were like, “You got it, Doc!”