Excellent work! You did it on rhythm, with—

Whoa.

WHAT THE FUCK???

You forgot rule one of using a switchblade comb! Make sure it’s NOT a real switchblade!

Fuck, now there’s blood everywhere, and a chunk of your glorious new hair is just kind of lying there on the floor with like pieces of skin and some dandruff.

Though if I’m being fair, you still would’ve been good if you’d just followed rule four and kept the blade exactly 1.3 centimeters away from your hair. With that amount of blood, my guess is you shivved yourself at least half an inch deep.

But hey—take that little chunk of hair and guts with you. Maybe the surgeon can sew that shit back on. Shame to ruin such a good-looking mullet.

PROPER MUSTACHE CARE

All right, so the truth is that unlike mullets, mustaches still haven’t exactly seen a revival.I And hey, who am I to judge? If you want a face like a baby, a woman, or a hairless cat, go ahead: free country. Not every dude is man enough to pull off a badass ’stache like Magnum, P.I., or Billy the Kid or Freddie Mercury or myself. If you’re not on that level, I give you props for admitting it.

By now you know that’s bullshit and I don’t give you props for anything. But it’s not too late to turn your life around, and by reading my book you’ve already taken an important first step.

Second step is to finally grow a decent goddamn mustache.

1. Style

You don’t choose the right mustache for your face. It chooses you.

Now, I’m not saying that the spirit of Slick Daddy actually came to me in the night when I was a young, hairless, prepubescent superstar-in-waiting and whispered, “Doc… Doc… I’m here to show you the ideal mustache length and shape to complement your stunning square jaw and your proud warrior nose and your perfectly symmetrical face structure. Now, wake up and draw it on the official Dinobots stationery next to your bed so you know exactly how to sculpt me, Slick Daddy, when you get old enough for that kind of thing.”

But if I did choose to say something like that, that’d probably be pretty close to the spirit of what Slick Daddy would’ve told me, and I probably would’ve drawn a masterpiece of mustachioed art on my official Dinobots stationery.

And I’m actually using that original drawing—or, you know, would be if it really existed—to get Slick Daddy and his appearance trademarked, copyrighted, and patented all at the same time. So if you want to copy my mustache, you legally aren’t allowed to, unless you pay me a licensing fee of $129.95 at InterdimensionalChampionsClub.gg.