BooksBarbecue
Back Violence. Speed. Momentum.
Chapters (22)
  1. Dedication
  2. AUTHOR’S NOTE I’LL NEVER WRITE THIS BOOK
  3. PREFACE YAYAYAYA!
  4. INTRODUCTION OKAY, I’LL WRITE THIS BOOK
  5. CHAPTER 1 MY MULTIDIMENSIONAL BIRTH
  6. CHAPTER 2 LET’S SET A RECORD, BABY!
  7. CHAPTER 3 THE TWO-TIME
  8. CHAPTER 4 GROOMING WITH THE DOCTOR
  9. CHAPTER 5 ALL RIGHT, I’M BACK
  10. CHAPTER 6 THE DOC’S FIRST SPONSOR
  11. CHAPTER 7 THE SECOND TIME I DROVE A LAMBORGHINI (AND HOW YOU CAN DRIVE ONE TOO)
  12. CHAPTER 8 THE SECRET BEHIND WHAT, EXACTLY, I’M A DOCTOR OF
  13. CHAPTER 9 THE KUMITE EXCEPT FOR VIDEO GAMES AND ALSO IT’S REAL
  14. CHAPTER 10 THE ATHLETICISM—WOW!
  15. CHAPTER 11 THE KUMITE EXCEPT FOR VIDEO GAMES AND ALSO IT’S REAL
  16. CHAPTER 12 THE RIGHT FLIP PHONE FOR YOU
  17. CHAPTER 13 HOLLYWOOD DOMINATION—AND DOC’S DISILLUSIONMENT
  18. CHAPTER 14 WHAT I’M THE DOCTOR OF
  19. CHAPTER 15 THE END???
  20. EPILOGUE FROM THE DESK OF NIGEL P. FARNSWORTH III
  21. AFTERWORD DID YOU REALLY THINK I’D GIVE THAT PUNK EDITOR THE LAST WORD IN MY BOOK???
  22. ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Unless you’re a blond, which is a hair color for punks. I don’t know why you’d even bother to wash that.

3. Combing

With hair as thick and bulletproof as mine, I don’t actually have to comb it or blow-dry it. And I damn well don’t have to perm it. It just kind of naturally falls into place with the perfect level of wavy undulation right after I shower.

So combing my hair isn’t really about actual maintenance or adjustment—it’s about looking really fucking cool. That’s why only one tool will do: the switchblade comb. But here’s the thing, all right? There are very specific, very precise ways to handle a switchblade comb, and if you get it wrong, honestly, what’s the fucking point of life?

  1. 1) Okay, so first off, you wanna make sure you have a switchblade comb and not a switchblade knife. I don’t have time to hear you bitch about your weak clotting.
  2. 2) Next, there’s flipping it open. Before you press that button, make sure—make absolutely 100 percent fucking certain—that the comb is facing OUT and AWAY from your palm.

    You don’t know how many attempts I’ve seen TOTALLY SCREWED UP when some idiot tried to flick the comb open and it just half popped out directly into their palm, and then they fumbled it and had to kind of toss it from one hand to another, and maybe they even dropped it on the floor, and immediately all the girls went home with headaches.

  3. 3) Third, there’s timing. If you want to be running that thing across your hair with rhythm, you gotta anticipate, all right? You gotta know exactly when you need to pop that baby open on the two so you can have it cocked and ready to run through your hair on the four.
  4. 4) Last—and this is most important of all—there’s placement of the comb itself.

    Because here’s the thing. If you have cool hair, if it really is as thick and masculine and wavy as a tortoiseshell, you don’t really want to actually touch your hair with the comb. You just want to give the illusion that you’re almost combing your hair.

    You get that? Not even the illusion that you’re combing. The illusion that you’re almost combing. It’s the air kiss of real men.

    So to do that, you want to keep a distance of 1.3 centimeters between the edge of the comb and your hair at all times. I repeat, AT ALL TIMES.

Okay. Now we’re gonna put this all together and actually give it a try. We’re gonna do an on-rhythm meta-illusional switchblade-comb run through your long, thick, wavy, perfectly conditioned multilayered black hair.

Get that switchblade comb in your hand and… Deejay, drop it:

Bump-tsshhh.

Bump-tsshhh-tsshhh.

[Blade pop now!]

“They call him Doc!”

[Hair comb now!]

YES!