But yeah, I got this urgent message from Nigel the Editor’s AIM account.

So this right here is an official…

Real-Time Update

And of course we all know that this isn’t Nigel the Editor contacting me anymore. This is Carl the Hunchback.

I thought you said you were going to delete AOL Instant Messenger, Doc.

Whatever, man. I’ve been busy telling amazing stories here, but I’ll delete it this afternoon.

I’m happy you still have it now. It’ll give you a chance to see your old friend Nigel the Editor in his last few extremely painful moments.

What—AIM has video? No way!

Well, we had to add that functionality ourselves.

Shit, I guess you Brotherhood punks are good at something—OUCH, that does not look like fun for Nigel the Editor. What is that—a buzz saw slowly moving toward his nuts?

Yes.

And tweezers yanking out his nose hairs one by one?

Uh-huh.

And clamps twisting his nipples into little knots?

He actually requested that.

Yeah, I don’t need to know. Anyway, guess I’ll let you guys get back to it—

“DOC, PLEASE! SAVE ME! PLEEEEEASE!”

Ah shit, do you really have to scream so loud, Nigel the Editor?

“YES!”

WOW! Is that a portable 7T-43 laser-induced plasma-effect weapon with sonic boosters? I thought I was the only person who had one of those! I’ve never actually seen it vibrate anyone’s brain before.

“PLEASE, I’M BEGGING YOU!”

Ah shit, man. I mean, I would, but—I haven’t even finished my lunch yet. Wanna see the explanation about what I’m a doctor of that I wrote for you? Maybe I can email it and the Brotherhood can let you read it or something.

“I CAN’T READ! MY EYEBALLS ARE FULL OF ACID!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Sigh.

“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

All right, all right, I get it! Dude, chill out! I’ll rescue you, all right? Fuck! I could’ve told you like ten minutes ago if you’d just stop screaming like a skinny little punk!

Honestly, between me and you, I was always gonna do it. I just wanted to make you sweat it out a little, you know? Look, I’m still a little pissed that you walked off my book. And if I’m being honest here, I just think you could work on your people skills, you know? I mean, I’m the talent. I’m the Doc. And I expect to be treated with a certain degree of respect.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”