As usual, I’m nice enough to answer your impertinent questions. And the simple fact is that even though I’m the most dominant champion in the history of mankind, when you live a life like mine, a life that’s always on the edge, a life that’s always at the tippity-top of the mountain and only halfway up—there’s risk. There’s danger. There’s a chance I might not make it home.

If there wasn’t, it wouldn’t be a challenge. And I wouldn’t be the Doc.

My copter is getting closer to the tallest building in the world. And I gotta admit—that thing is really tall. Like, you know how sometimes people are like, “Wow, that building is tall,” and you see it, and you’re like, “Yeah, that building is tall—but with my six-foot-eight frame and my superior athleticism, I bet I could still jump it”?

Well, this building isn’t like that.

I see it standing alone and unchallenged on the Dubai skyline, like a dagger plunging blindly into the black heart of night. Shit, that was poetic. I fly closer, and I see klieg lights sweeping across the heavens, with dozens of other, less cool helicopters circling the top, trying desperately to get a glimpse of the action.

I cut right through the crowd, because the Two-Time always cuts through the crowd, and my Kamov pulls in close for a perfect landing.

Just before I touch down, I scan the crowds, and for once in his pathetic life Carl the Hunchback wasn’t lying. Everyone is there. Everyone!

All the TV press that’s been covering me, drooling over me since I won my first Blockbuster Championship—Tom Brokaw and Dan Rather and my old buddy Wolf Blitzer and some dude I don’t recognize from ABC because who the fuck can really replace Peter Jennings? And next to them all the A-list stars and champions I’ve encountered throughout my life—Leo and Brad and Fred Savage and JCVD and the ShamWow guy and Just Plain Usman and Kangaroo Jack Hortly and even Dolph Lundgren, who really is a good dude even if his farts are weak. And then the most powerful executives in the universe—there’s Mr. Blockbuster, and Sergey and Larry from Oogle, and of course Zuck and Bill and Bezos, who I just closed a $10 billion deal with on my flip phone on the flight here. And there—there are my parents! And I do a double take, because there are six of them from various different dimensions! And they all look mostly identical, except, like, one of my dads has brown eyes, and another has green eyes, and another has one brown eye and one green eye, and cool little interdimensional differences like that. And there are at least seven Razor Franks, and who even knows what the fuck languages they all speak.