‘A grown man, who initiated this agreement. You didn’t place limits on it. You certainly didn’t place gender limits on it. And that isn’t a criticism,’ she leapt to explain, as though spotting a stir of worry in my expression, ‘but if you’re going to do this – explore different wants, different needs, different people – why shouldn’t exploring different genders be a part of that, if that’s how you want to explore your options in this time?’

I counted out the ticks of the clock until it hit half a minute. ‘I don’t have to tell him?’

‘Did he tell you about the girl he took to breakfast?’

‘Well, yeah.’

She raised a finger. ‘If he told you when you asked, that isn’t telling you.’

‘Oh.’ I sank back further in my chair. I wondered whether, before the session timed out, I might find a way to origami myself into the crack between the backrest and seat. ‘What if …’

‘What if you have a really good time?’ Gwen smiled. ‘What if you find something you really enjoy? What if you find something you don’t? What if …’ She petered out, shrugged. ‘What if anything, Edi? What if you leave here today and decide gender is fluid, sexuality is fluid, Rowan isn’t for you, Rowan is all you want? Life is all about what-if questions.’

It sounded like something Lily would say; only she’d find a way to swear more. ‘I should call Fred?’

Gwen squinted. ‘Should is a quick route to guilt. Do you want to call her?’

The clock hand did another half cycle before I answered. ‘Yes.’

‘Then yes, call her. And …’ She set a hand on either armrest and pushed herself upright. ‘Maybe you can let me know about the date in our next session. No pressure, but you’re always welcome.’

‘Thank you. I …’ I sighed. ‘Just thank you.’

On my way out of Gwen’s office building I fumbled for my phone with my free hand, while the other clung on to Fred’s card for dear life. I was tapping the screen in time with my hurried steps down the stairs and, when I arrived on the pavement, I was dialling. It rang out three times before she answered.

‘Good afternoon, Faith speaking. I’m pretending to work here.’

I laughed. ‘Good, so you’re free? I think I need some advice …’

Chapter 20