‘I don’t know.’ I’d called for gentle reassurance, or so I thought. But as I leaned back against the fridge and took a deep belly breath, I started to wonder whether that’s what I needed from them. Or do I just want you to tell me what to do … ‘I’m used to having to make decisions for two people,’ I admitted, and that was the problem. I didn’t have to decide what Fred wanted or needed from me; I only had to decide what I was ready to give.

‘Which I imagine is super hard in itself,’ Lily answered, and her voice was soft. ‘Harder still, though, babe, when the other person you’re making decisions for is the person who’s actually making the decisions, do you know what I mean?’

I took a second to untangle the sentence. ‘I think so?’

‘Lovely, she means Rowan didn’t really give you a choice on things.’ Faith’s tone was harder than Lily’s. ‘She’s trying to find a nice way of saying that making decisions for two people is hard, but what you’re actually used to doing is making decisions for Rowan, disguised like they’re decisions for you, even though they’re not.’

‘Fucking hell, Faith.’ There was a kerfuffle where I imagined Lily backhanding Faith’s arm, leg, arse; whatever was closest. ‘But yes, that’s what I mean.’

I nearly laughed. ‘Okay, so … So, what do I do?’

I imagined them again, then, swapping a worried glance before Faith asked, ‘What do you want to do, babe?’

I sighed. How am I meant to know that …

*

I unmuted the group chat that evening.

Edi: Ladies, assemble

Edi: Flowers or chocolates?

Molly: what’s the occasion?

Betty: Chocolates

Lily: Chocolates

Faith: Flowers

Faith: Pah! Kidding. Gimme chocolates

Cora: what Molly said

Molly: I was literally just checking whether the message even sent

Molly: @Edi. Occasion?

Faith: Date night?

Betty: Non-date night? *wink*

Lily: Gallery opening

Edi: We have a winner!!!

Lily: Do I win whatever you don’t send?

Edi: Seems fair

Betty: wait. What do the rest of us get?

Edi: a hug

Lily: send her both

Edi: I’ll send you chocs anyway

Lily: love you beaut

Betty: wait WHAT!

Faith: this is where sarcasm gets you

Molly: well I’m nice what does that get me?

Edi: Moll, you can have flowers

Betty: WHAT!

Chapter 42