‘Look.’ I reached over and grabbed his free hand. ‘I know blokes don’t really do the caring thing, but there’s genuinely nothing wrong with it.’ I squeezed. ‘I know you’re not doing this – I mean, I know you’re not here in malice or competitiveness. You haven’t whipped a ruler out. You’re here because you’re worried. I don’t know what they tell you at boy school, but you’re doing okay.’ I tried to sound light rather than accusatory, but all the while I could hear Lily chanting statistics on toxic masculinity in the background. I pulled my hand back then and added, ‘Say whatever more you’re comfortable saying. But if you’re uncomfortable because of a “should”, then power through with it.’

‘Why?’

‘Should is a guilt word.’ I sipped my tea, and quietly gave myself a point for growth. I needed to remember the moment as one to share in counselling.

He smiled. ‘You’re kind of brilliant, Edi.’

I tried to channel my inner Fred, Lily, Betty. ‘I’ve been told.’

‘I don’t know how many women he’s slept with now.’ I held my breath – more shots fired. ‘I don’t think he knows how many women he’s slept with.’ Second round. ‘But this with Leonard, this is a final straw, really it is. I understand why this was a good idea and, Christ, all of us thought it was amazing that you were even into it, but, providing you’re ready for it to stop because, I don’t know, you might be doing just fine with it all, in which case shoot me down …’ He looked up from his mug and stared straight at me like he was waiting for an answer. ‘If you’re ready for it to stop then I think you need to tell him that, and tell him it has to, because, Christ, this whole fucking thing has brought out an ugly shade in him, Edi. He needs you to be the sensible one.’

It all sat between us for what felt like a long time before I answered. ‘But doesn’t he always?’

Monty gave me a sad smile and reached across the table to take my hand. We finished our teas in quiet.

Chapter 37