‘So, you’re saying I should do it?’ I looked between the three of them, desperate for their guidance; better still, desperate for them to make the decision for me.

Faith gave me a kiss on the forehead. ‘I think what we’re actually saying is—’

‘You should think about the benefits you might get out of this and make the decision you want to make. Right, Bett?’ Lily looked to Betty for support, but she couldn’t muster it.

‘That—’ she dabbed her cigarette on the outside wall of the building ‘—or you chuck him.’

Chapter 11

After seeing the girls, I found myself drawn into a web of sexual possibility. Every attractive man set me thinking: Could I approach you? Could I let you take me home? And worse thoughts: Would Rowan care? I hadn’t mustered the courage to talk to him, beyond sending a text about our arranged dinner with my parents at the weekend – I’d like to go alone, if that’s okay? xx – and he’d replied with a pleading message, the end of which was yes, it was fine for me to go alone. But after every read receipt on WhatsApp, he messaged me again: Babe, look, maybe this has been a terrible mistake? Maybe we should talk more? Could we? I typed back: Maybe I can’t live my life knowing you wanted this. Maybe we have to do this now, then backspaced to delete the message. It already felt like a burden, a messy rockery in my belly that I’d been carrying around since I’d seen him. But I didn’t have answers to his questions yet. One thing I did know was that I wasn’t ready to try and find the answers either. Instead, I let the question marks hang unfulfilled and went back to thinking. Could I approach you, man on the train platform? Would my partner even care if I did?

Gwen – my counsellor – had appointments packed to the rafters, which gave me a sad sort of comfort. At least I wasn’t the only person in the city with a relationship in tatters. The receptionist could offer me an appointment weeks away, although she did promise to call if a cancellation came up. Unlikely, I thought, if anyone else’s partner happens to be half as horny and stupid as my own! I shook the thought away and agreed to the time and date she’d offered. I’d started to have these bursts – flurries of intrusive anger where I thought of Rowan not as my partner, but as the partner of a friend – but they never lasted long enough for me to stick with a decision. So I booked in – ‘Actually, is there any chance I could get like, a double appointment? A two-hour slot?’ – and went to the next best thing: dinner with Mum and Dad.