I sighed. ‘I don’t know, Gwen, I … I thought it was a good idea, but it’s just been one worry after another since it all started. Seeing Rowan with that girl, it just felt like Skye all over again except now people know about it and I have to be okay about it.’

‘Why do you have to be okay about it?’

‘Because …’ I pushed out a deep breath. ‘Because I told him this was okay.’

‘And …’

‘I told him this was okay because if I hadn’t done, I’d spend the next two years half-planning a wedding and half-wondering whether the man I was going to marry really wanted to sleep with other women,’ I said, answering a question she hadn’t quite got to. ‘That’s why I did it, because if I hadn’t, would he have cheated again? And, if I hadn’t, would he spend our whole married life wondering what he’d missed out on by not screwing around more?’

‘Give me a deep breath,’ she said and I followed the instruction instantly. ‘Then talk me through these reasons one at a time. Your first reason to agreeing to it, was that because you were worried Rowan would just wander around wanting to sleep with other women?’

I thought hard and stared out of the window. I wanted a slow-paced instrumental to kick in from somewhere so I could pretend I was the lead in a smushy romance movie – instead of the lead in what felt like a bloody cautionary tale. ‘My first reason is because I was worried, am worried, have always been worried that Rowan would … will cheat on me again.’ By the end of that explanation I was speaking into my lap; I couldn’t look at Gwen, or her city-scape view. ‘It felt, feels like Rowan was ready to cheat again, but instead of cheating, he went ahead and just asked whether he could cheat. And I said yes, so now it isn’t cheating.’ There was a horrible swell building in my chest.

She narrowed her eyes and nodded. ‘And how are we feeling about Rowan at the moment?’

‘When I’m with him, I love him.’

‘And when you aren’t?’

I inhaled hard and exhaled a long stream of feeling to stop it coming out as tears. ‘When I’m not, I find that I’m getting angry. Angry that he suggested it, and angry that I agreed. And I’m still wondering what the hell he expects to get from this.’

‘I’ve heard a lot of wondering and thinking so far, but there’s also a lot here about what Rowan wants.’ She stopped then, as though she’d asked me something, and when I didn’t answer she pressed on. ‘What about what you want?’

‘From this situation?’