I hadn’t tried anywhere near hard enough with him yet to panic-text the group chat with an SOS. But things were weird enough for me to send them an update. When Jeremy disappeared to order the drink I didn’t want, I pulled my phone out and saw that the girls had beat me to it. There was a string of messages – I love you and I believe you can do this, from Molly; If he gets fresh tell him you’re still on antibiotics, works every time, from Cora; Betty and I have got you dates into next week lined up. Love you. Don’t hate us, from Lily – and two messages on Plenty of Fish. I took a cautious glance at the counter where Jeremy was talking to the server still, and decided I’d got the time. The first was a short and pointless message from a spammy-looking username – Hi pretty – and the second was—

‘Oh my fuck.’ A penis. An actual penis. I didn’t just drop my phone; I slammed it down and pushed it away, as though STDs might be contractable through digital contact. I wanted the offending genitalia as far away from me as I could get it. Which left me open to another problem.

‘Oh.’ Jeremy’s eyes stretched when he saw the screen. He was standing at the end of the table, a red rose in hand. ‘Oh, I see.’

‘That’s not mine,’ I hurried to say. ‘I mean, it’s not mine.’

He laughed. ‘Well, that would have been a first for me from an online date, I have to say.’ He handed me the rose, which I took feeling both like I didn’t deserve or want it because, eurgh, isn’t this a cheese-fest? Where did it even come from? ‘You said on your profile that you’re looking for casual stuff, Edi,’ he said as he sat down opposite me. ‘I’m not exactly surprised that you’ve got other stuff lined up. If it makes you feel better … Oh.’ He paused as the server brought our drinks over; he placed my flat white down and I thanked him, but Jeremy said nothing when his own iced coffee – extra cream, extra syrup, I noticed – was seated on the table. That ignorance was a tick against him.

‘Thank you,’ I made a point of saying again as the server left and Jeremy shook his head lightly and stared, as though it was a strange thing for me to have done.

‘Like I was saying, if it makes you feel better, I’ve got a date lined up for when we’re done here, too.’ He sipped his drink and smiled. ‘That said, I’d rather not see …’