‘Try closing your eyes this time, actually absorb what I’m telling you.’ I shut them, feeling idiotic. The words flooded out of her like a poem. ‘It’s a real pleasure to see you again. It’s a real pleasure to see you again.’

The lump rose again in my throat, and I snapped my eyes back open. She was watching me.

‘You heard me that time, didn’t you? I saw you start to let the words penetrate.’

I wanted to simultaneously hold her at bay and excel at this. It was exhausting.

‘I think so,’ I said.

‘It’s important, Rachel,’ she said, intense. ‘It’s important for you to know that I see you. This isn’t a job for me – it’s a privilege to be able to help people in psychic pain. To help them stop hating themselves and start letting the love that wants to flow to all of us, start guiding their lives.’

A surge of hopelessness swept across me, Saturday night flickering in my peripheral vision. Love never seemed all that keen to flow towards me. It mostly seemed to enjoy punching me in the face.

‘Right.’

Amber laughed.

‘Too much? Too much new age bullshit for session two?’

I laughed too, despite myself.

‘Well, I like Goop as much as the next person…’ I said.

We paused a second, eying each other. She spoke first.

‘You’re smart, aren’t you?’ she said. ‘I bet you did really well academically.’

‘I got a First, yeah,’ I confirmed. The year of my A levels I’d wanted nothing more than escape, barricaded in my bedroom at the top of the house with a stack of books. Mum and Dad were so proud of my diligence, in denial about the lengths I’d go to to avoid the booby traps that lurked downstairs. Esther kept her Instagram feed open. I hoped she had no means of knowing how often I looked.

‘So does your career give you satisfaction now? You’re a civil servant, right?’

‘Yeah,’ I said. I’d told Tim I had a doctor’s appointment, which felt at least half true, a fifty per cent improvement on my normal rate of honesty. ‘I mean, it’s important.’

‘That’s not the same thing,’ she said, soft.

‘Everyone’s job is boring some of the time, isn’t it? Going to an office, seeing the same old people…’

‘So what does give you satisfaction? What gives you joy?’ I felt a surge of irritation at her relentless, teasing questions. ‘Not much right now, I’m guessing?’

I shook my head.

‘Rachel, it’s important that we listen to that.’

‘I’m listening,’ I said, aware of the edge in my tone. I could tell she heard it too: Amber didn’t miss a trick.