That first morning, it was easier than I expected to get out of bed and push myself back out into the world. How hard could a single Friday be? And besides, Amber’s visit had infused me with a weird kind of energy. It was a high, a natural high – the kind that people in kundalini yoga classes claim exist, their eyes all glassy, with a chaser of B.O. – that I’d always assumed was down to the fact they’d never had a real one.

Mum was on a client call in the living room when I came downstairs, and I half hoped I’d be able to slip out without seeing her, but as I slugged back a quick coffee, she came through to find me.

‘Thanks for looking after me,’ I said, giving her a quick hug. Was it guilt telling me that she felt bonier than ever? ‘Say thanks to Dad too. I’m going to go back to mine after work. Please don’t worry about me. You’ve done enough of that, I think we can agree!’

She didn’t raise a smile. Instead she looked at me beseechingly.

‘You will see her again, won’t you?’ she said, her thumb hard against my palm, blocking my way out of the kitchen.

We hadn’t really talked about the session since the moment Amber left. She’d looked at my swollen, blotchy face with a slight disgust that I’m sure she thought I wouldn’t notice.

‘Well, that was certainly intense,’ she’d said, efficiently scooping up the coffee cups, not quite making eye contact. ‘But worth it, yes?’ I couldn’t form a coherent thought yet – that would take a few, dangerous weeks – so I’d simply muttered ‘Think so’ and dived for my phone.

‘Definitely. Mum, I actually want to carry on,’ I told her now, trying to work out how to dodge my way past her without any more reminders about what a disaster I was. I knew I’d been moody while I’d been here, but I’d been too ashamed to risk emerging – at least until Amber opened the door. It scared me. I wasn’t sure yet what to do with it. ‘This is a new start. I actually mean it this time.’

I felt her body relax, her grip loosen. Back then, I still wanted to make her happy, maybe even more than I wanted to make myself happy. Or was it that I still believed that only the first one mattered?

‘I’ll call you later.’ She gave a tight nod. ‘Stop worrying about me, okay?’ I kissed her cheek again. ‘That’s your job for today,’ I added, laughing, and slipped down the corridor away from her. I hoped my lightness would infect her.