‘I promise we’ll be in and out. We won’t touch anything. And I’ll stay here with you. We just have to look round the door. Just to check.’

I feel myself slipping into a panic. I look around for alcohol, but she’s putting the kettle on. She pours the hot water and the steam cuts through the dust in the air. I hear Laura’s bedroom door open and footsteps directly above me. DS Percy hears them too and sees my trembling hands. She sits down.

‘Look, Caroline, completely off the record, is there anything I can do to help.’

I shake my head and wipe a tear away as I hear Laura’s door close and Charlie’s door open. I can see his room clearly, the Lego constructions carefully placed on the red and blue carpet squares. The Manchester United bedspread and the England posters. Charlie’s teddy bears, all in a line on a shelf above his bed, and a squishy rabbit that he’d had since he was a baby and wouldn’t go anywhere without. They wouldn’t even let me give it to him. She sighs.

‘I’ll be honest with you, I think you need professional help. With this.’ She waves at the boxes and looks around. ‘Is there anyone at work who can help?’

I somehow dredge up the words.

‘It’s mainly research. I talk to my supervisor every month. She knows. She’s helping. A little.’

She looks relieved, as if someone had taken the weight that is me and placed it on someone else.

‘Good. Good. But the thing that I don’t understand is about your children. You’re allowed to see them, aren’t you?’

I nod. Stay quiet, Caroline. This is a dangerous time, when I’m upset. I could say anything. So I say nothing. She stares at me, waiting for me to defend myself. Explain why I’ve abandoned my own children. When it’s clear that I’m not going to speak, she carries on.

‘Your ex’s mother looks after them, yeah? And you and your husband have split access, with his mother looking after them when he’s out of the country?’

I nod again.

‘It’s not access. There was not a custody order. It was an arrangement but I’m just too … too …’

‘And they’re still living with his mum, even though your ex is back?’