It’s the real reason I have been losing myself to these strangers’ stories, it’s so much easier to dissociate than face the fact I am a dad. Ellis has already warned me about her health, about the worries she has with carrying a child in her condition, and the higher possibilities of tragic occurrences. But even if something were to happen with this pregnancy, if the very worst happened and we somehow lost the baby, I would still be their dad. The emotions haven’t escaped me from the very first scan. I didn’t think love could come for something you haven’t seen or even felt, but I love this baby.

“Liam,” Ellis’s eyes are filled with sympathy.

“I’m sorry.” I pull her to me in a second. I smell the mix of her shampoo and perfume. She has always smelt the way I imagine a tropical island smells when you wake up in the morning. Fresh and floral with something fruity like mango or peach. When I woke up alone in December I could still smell her all around my home; she was buried in every atom of my being.

“I’ll cry if you keep being so cute.” Her words are muffled against my chest as I laugh.

“You think I’m cute?” I quip. Before Ellis can reply, a voice captures her attention.

“Miss Ainsley?” the nurse calls from the door.

Pacing around the room as Ellis has her blood drawn and weight taken, I go over all the questions I have for the doctor in my head. I could ask Ellis but I don’t want to bombard her and risk making her more anxious than she probably already is. She is a pro at this by now and I feel like a fish out of water begging for some guidance.

“You’re making me sea sick.” Ellis breaks my concentration.

“I didn’t think you had any nausea any more?” I rush to her side in a second.

“I don’t, but your pacing is making the room feel like it’s spinning, so can you sit down?” Her hand captures my elbow on my next walk past.

“I have too much energy El, there’s a baby in you and I’m about to see it for the first time in person. I feel like I’m about to go out on the ice.” I shake my hands out as though that’s going to do anything to help.

“What do you do to calm down there?” she asks.

“Push a dude against the boards, but I don’t see that as an option here.”

“Please don’t body-slam my doctor,” Ellis jokingly pleads as the door clicks open again.