My childhood was different than hers. Both of my parents showered me with love. My mom was always open with affection and the perfect shoulder to cry on when things didn’t go my way. On the other hand, my dad was subtler; it might have been because of his tougher Russian upbringing – hence the name Ruinsky. But as much as he loved me, he found it harder to show it. When I started playing hockey he found a way to connect with me. He played as a kid in Moscow, and seeing me on the ice reminded him of his childhood. Being the son of an immigrant made me want to fight harder; I wasn’t just living life for me, I’m living it for everything that was given up for me.

I’ve never met my paternal grandparents. When they found out my dad was marrying an American they demanded he come back home. He chose my mom, of course. I want to make sure his sacrifice was worth it. He might not hug me like Mom does – but he laced up my skates, drove me hours to away games, and showed me he loved me in a million other ways. He wanted me to be strong when it was needed and my mom wanted me to have a softness in my heart. I owe it to them to be the best of both. Ellis, too, used to help me harness that strength when I felt weak.

I felt it again in that bar. Have those feelings really stood the test of time?

Knock. Knock. Knock.

The noise at my door interrupts my thoughts, which I open to a dishevelled looking Ellis. Her hair is thrown into a pony as she dons grey sweats.

“Hello there, beautiful.” I smile, leaning my arm across the top bar of the door frame, I want to play it cool, but her eyes appear glassy and far off. My smile fades quickly.

“I’m not ready. Not yet. I need more time.” She rambled the whispers more to herself than to me.

“Okay… take your time. I’m not going anywhere.” I try to comfort her even though I’m completely lost, not moving from my place against the door jamb. Her eyebrows are furrowed and her lips are bitten red raw. I can’t help but stare at them and the way they are opening and closing as she tries to find the right words. After a few seconds of her eyes bouncing anywhere but my face, they finally land there. Her gaze holds mine and the rest of the world stops spinning as we stare unabashedly. I feel myself soften from the inside out.